THE JAR

An old couple went to see their doctor. When the doctor asked what the problem was, the old lady responded, "He doesn't satisfy me in bed anymore." The doctor suggested the couple provide him with a specimen so he could take a sperm count and he sent the couple home with a glass jar.

They returned to the doctor's office a few days later with the jar still empty. The doctor asked if there was a problem in providing the specimen. The old man replied, "Well, doctor, I'm sorry. I tried it with my left hand and I tried it with my right hand. Then the wife tried it with her left hand and she tried it with her right hand. Nothing happened. I held on to it while the old lady tried it with both hands. Hell, she even took out her false teeth and tried it with her gums. I'm awful sorry, doctor, but we just can't get the damn lid off your jar!"

IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE

A woman gives birth to twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One of the boys is adopted by a couple in Egypt and he is given the name Ahmal. The other boy is adopted by Spanish parents and is given the name Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of her other son as well. 

Her husband replies, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

YOU ARE 47

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but hold old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the main said, feeling really happy.

Next he goes into McDonald's for lunch. He asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look like you're about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Since there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let the old woman slip her hand down the front of his pants. Two minutes later she says, "OK, I'm done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replied, " I was standing right behind you at McDonalds."

COORS BEER

A husband and wife are shopping at Costco when the man picks up a case of Coors Lite and puts it in the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "He replies, "They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans." "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they continue on shopping.

A few aisles later the wife picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it into the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks her husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she replies.

The man says, "So does 24 cans of Coors Lite and it's half the price!"

THE PENGUIN

A penguin is driving his car out west one hot summer day when he notices the oil light come on and, sure enough, the car is leaking oil all over the place. He pulls into the first service station he can find and asks the mechanic how long it would take to fix the car. The mechanic said he had a few other cars to look at first, but he should be done in about an hour. The penguin agrees and decides to go uptown and look around.

Finding an ice cream shop, the penguin goes inside and thinks, "Boy, a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would sure taste good right now." So he sits down at the counter and orders the biggest bowl of ice cream that the shop has.

Scarfing it all down, the penguin returns to the garage with an ice cream mustache and asks the mechanic, "Did you find out what's wrong with my car?" "Looks like you've blown a seal," replied the mechanic.

"Oh, that! No, I just really love vanilla ice cream!" replied the penguin.

BRAZILIAN

A blonde was sitting in a cafeteria engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines read "12 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED". She shook her head and began to cry. She turned to the man seated next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian anyway?"

GO FLY A KITE

A husband is in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries a few more times with no success. His wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite."