A Navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt. The First Mate asked the captain, "Why do you need a red shirt?" The captain replies, "So that when I bleed, the men won't notice and don't become discouraged." Eventually, they fight off the pirates.
The very next day, the captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are approaching their boat. He yells, "Get me my brown pants!"
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
TALCUM POWDER
A teenager walked into a drug store and asked the pharmacist where the talcum powder was.
The pharmacist said, "Walk this way."
The boy said, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"
The pharmacist said, "Walk this way."
The boy said, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"
NORTH DAKOTA
Two brothers made a pact that which ever one died first, he would come back on the first anniversary of his death and tell his brother what the afterlife was like. The older brother soon passed away and his brother waited anxiously for the first year to be up. Sure to his word, on the anniversary of his death the older brother appeared.
He told all about his new life. "Every day is the same. I can sleep as late as I want. I can have sex with any female I want. And I can eat anything I want. Most days I wake up around 10 in the morning, pick out a female and have sex with her, then it's time for lunch. Then I take a nap in the afternoon, wake up and pick out another female and have sex with her. Then it's time for supper. After that I have sex again with some new female. Then it's bedtime. The next day I wake up and it all starts over again."
His brother exclaimed, "My God! I've heard that Heaven is wonderful but I never dreamed it could be like this!"
The dead brother responded, "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven! I'm a buffalo in North Dakota!"
He told all about his new life. "Every day is the same. I can sleep as late as I want. I can have sex with any female I want. And I can eat anything I want. Most days I wake up around 10 in the morning, pick out a female and have sex with her, then it's time for lunch. Then I take a nap in the afternoon, wake up and pick out another female and have sex with her. Then it's time for supper. After that I have sex again with some new female. Then it's bedtime. The next day I wake up and it all starts over again."
His brother exclaimed, "My God! I've heard that Heaven is wonderful but I never dreamed it could be like this!"
The dead brother responded, "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven! I'm a buffalo in North Dakota!"
ANOTHER NORTH DAKOTA STORY
Ollie is a dairy farmer in Minnesota. One morning he goes out to the barn and finds his best dairy cow dead. He must replace her or start to lose a lot of money. So he goes back to the farmhouse to the read the ads in the Farmers Journal. He finds a milk cow for sale a couple of hours west of him in North Dakota. He calls the number in the ad and makes arrangements to come over and see the cow.
Once there, the farmer takes Ollie out to the barn to see the cow. On the way he says, "Yah, she's a fine milker, she is. And only $150.00." Ollie looks her all over and then says, "Ya mind if I try her out?" So he sat down on the stool and began to milk her. However, every time that he pulled on the cow's teats, she farts. Ollie said, "Yah, I don't like dat so much." The farmer said, "Yah, but after awhile ya get used to it and it don't bodder ya so much den." Ollie said, "Well, I really need a good milk cow so I guess I'll take 'er den."
So Ollie loads up the cow and heads home to Minnesota. Once he gets the cow into his barn, he calls his best friend Sven to come over and see his new purchase. Sven takes a look at the cow and says, "Yah, Ollie, you got yerself a new milk cow." Ollie decides to have some fun with Sven and asks him if wants to give her a try.
So Ollie sits down and pulls on the cow. Pfffttt! Every time Sven pulls down the cow passes more gas. Ollie can hardly contain himself and says in between laughs, "Sven, I bet ya can't guess where dis cow come from!" Sven replied, "Ya got dis cow in North Dakota!" Ollie is flabbergasted and says, "How'd ya know dat, Sven?"
Sven says, "My wife's from North Dakota, don't ya know!"
Once there, the farmer takes Ollie out to the barn to see the cow. On the way he says, "Yah, she's a fine milker, she is. And only $150.00." Ollie looks her all over and then says, "Ya mind if I try her out?" So he sat down on the stool and began to milk her. However, every time that he pulled on the cow's teats, she farts. Ollie said, "Yah, I don't like dat so much." The farmer said, "Yah, but after awhile ya get used to it and it don't bodder ya so much den." Ollie said, "Well, I really need a good milk cow so I guess I'll take 'er den."
So Ollie loads up the cow and heads home to Minnesota. Once he gets the cow into his barn, he calls his best friend Sven to come over and see his new purchase. Sven takes a look at the cow and says, "Yah, Ollie, you got yerself a new milk cow." Ollie decides to have some fun with Sven and asks him if wants to give her a try.
So Ollie sits down and pulls on the cow. Pfffttt! Every time Sven pulls down the cow passes more gas. Ollie can hardly contain himself and says in between laughs, "Sven, I bet ya can't guess where dis cow come from!" Sven replied, "Ya got dis cow in North Dakota!" Ollie is flabbergasted and says, "How'd ya know dat, Sven?"
Sven says, "My wife's from North Dakota, don't ya know!"
DONALD DUCK
Donald Duck had made a date with Daisy and on the way to her house stopped at the drug store to buy a pack of condoms. The pharmacist helped Donald pick out just the right kind and then asked Donald, "Shall I put them on your bill?"
To which Donald replied, "What kind of a duck do you think I am?"
To which Donald replied, "What kind of a duck do you think I am?"
THE CHIEF AND THE MISSIONARY
A missionary was in Africa to introduce the natives to Christianity and to the English language. One afternoon, he was walking in the jungle with the tribal chief, who would point out various items and want to know the English word. The chief pointed to a bush and the missionary replied, "In America we call that a bush". The chief replied, "Mmm. . .bush." This went on for quite awhile when all of sudden they stumbled upon a young couple making love. The chief stopped dead in his tracks and pointed. The missionary, obviously flustered, tried to think of something appropriate to say. Finally, he said, "Chief, in America we call that 'riding a bicycle'".
The chief pulled out his dart gun, loaded it, and blew a large dart directly into the couple, killing both of them instantly. Shocked, the missionary yelled, "Chief, why did you do THAT?"
The chief pointed to the young woman and said, "My bicycle".
The chief pulled out his dart gun, loaded it, and blew a large dart directly into the couple, killing both of them instantly. Shocked, the missionary yelled, "Chief, why did you do THAT?"
The chief pointed to the young woman and said, "My bicycle".
DAMNED CHEERIOS
Two little brothers decided they would sound more grown-up if they started swearing. They went downstairs one morning for breakfast and their mother asked them what they wanted to eat. The older boy said, "Aw, hell, just give me some damned Cheerios." His mother picked him up by the collar, swatted his rear end a few times, and sent him to his room and told him to stay there and think about what just happened.
Then she turned to the younger one and said, "What are you having for breakfast, young man?" He replied, "Well, you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be none of them damned Cheerios!"
Then she turned to the younger one and said, "What are you having for breakfast, young man?" He replied, "Well, you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be none of them damned Cheerios!"
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