WHO ARE YOU?

I rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car and he was a friggin' DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

THEM CADILLAC PEOPLE

A man and his wife are driving through the United States on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decides to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later he spots a Mobil station and pulls up to the high octane pump.

"What can I for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this, mister?" he asks. "I ain't never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest filling with pride, "This, my boy, is a brand new 2013 Cadillac."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, GPS system, and, best of all, an 8.8 liter V8 engine." "Wow, that's really somethin'!" replies the attendant.

The tank is full and the attendant replaces the hose. "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $50.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off two 20s and a 10 dollar bill, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are them little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," replied the customer. "Wow! says the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything, don't they?"

ACME SLINGSHOT

CLOSE SHAVE

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the man mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and your gum." The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the man asks, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone elses does."

A BLONDE AND HER BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, the car is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do THAT?"

IN THE GARDEN

A beautiful young woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman in the neighborhood who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked him what he did to get his tomatoes so red. The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was very impressed and decided to try doing the same thing to her tomatoes to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day, the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

KERMIT JAGGER

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation", said the frog. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay because he knows the bank manager personally. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "Sir, there's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny elephant and says, "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says. . . . ."It's a knicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone!"