A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late he saw a backhoe and the crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but he still poured out his heart in an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
Sunday, May 17, 2015
WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT?
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees a neighbor kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and walks on by.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop "n Serve" and "Pop 'N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy will be buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozen of celebrities are expected to turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Monday, November 17, 2014
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
Why are there no nativity scenes in Washington, D.C.?
They can't find three wise men.
They can't find three wise men.
SUPPORT
What did the head of the support group for people addicted to plastic surgery say to them when the group met last Friday?
"Well, I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week."
"Well, I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week."
BROWN PAPER PETE
In the Old West, a cowboy rides into a strange town one day and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows. He enters the local saloon and asks the bartender, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang somebody?"
The bartender nods, "Yup, we're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Pete this afternoon." The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Pete?" "Well," says the barkeep, "he's always wearin' clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts, brown paper pants. Hell, he even wears brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him fer?
"Rustlin'," replied the bartender.
The bartender nods, "Yup, we're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Pete this afternoon." The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Pete?" "Well," says the barkeep, "he's always wearin' clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts, brown paper pants. Hell, he even wears brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him fer?
"Rustlin'," replied the bartender.
SENIOR SEX
An elderly couple is sitting in McDonald's having their breakfast. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, I remember it well," she responds. "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times' sake?" "Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" she says.
A police officer sitting in the booth behind them overheard their conversation, and having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex one could imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The cop is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know before. After about a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself that this is truly amazing. He decides he must ask them what their secret is. So, as the old couple pass, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
"Yes, I remember it well," she responds. "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times' sake?" "Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" she says.
A police officer sitting in the booth behind them overheard their conversation, and having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex one could imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The cop is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know before. After about a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself that this is truly amazing. He decides he must ask them what their secret is. So, as the old couple pass, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
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