This guy is stranded on a deserted island with only his dog and a goat for companionship. Days pass. . .then weeks. . .then months. . .then years with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex. So he looks around and sees the goat and comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her just right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hillside where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears a woman screaming for help so he swims out to rescue her and the woman is grateful. Thanking him for saving her life, she says, "I'll do anything to repay you." He replies, "Anything?" "Yes, anything," she answers.
So he asks, "Great! Can you take the dog for a walk for about 45 minutes?"
Monday, May 18, 2015
JANE MEETS TARZAN
When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle for the first time, she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex", he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Jane was horrified and said, "Tarzan, you've got it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Jane was horrified and said, "Tarzan, you've got it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
JOKES FROM THE NUDIST COLONY
Q: How can you tell a blind guy at a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q: How you tell the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Someone drilled a hole in the fence at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q: How you tell the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Someone drilled a hole in the fence at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
MONKS OPEN A FLOWER SHOP
An order of monks needed to raise some money, so they figured the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers. Now these monks sold their flowers really cheap. Everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all of their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded together to figure out how to remove the monks from the flower business. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best knee-capper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastery.
Cowed, the monks caved in to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded together to figure out how to remove the monks from the flower business. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best knee-capper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastery.
Cowed, the monks caved in to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
THE YOUNG PREACHER
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late he saw a backhoe and the crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but he still poured out his heart in an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT?
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees a neighbor kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and walks on by.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop "n Serve" and "Pop 'N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy will be buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozen of celebrities are expected to turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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