A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a beautiful woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"It is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence," said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the farmer. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but now they are set to lay fertilized eggs."
"That is awesome!" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," said the farmer.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
Saturday, July 4, 2015
A NUN AT HOOTERS
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in awhile the lights would turn off. Each time the lights went out the place would erupt in cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun the room went dead silent. The nun walked up to the bartender and asked. "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "Of course, but I should tell you that there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." The nun said, "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed her to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "No, thank you, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue the lights go out. Now, how about that drink, sister?"
The bartender replied, "Of course, but I should tell you that there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." The nun said, "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed her to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "No, thank you, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue the lights go out. Now, how about that drink, sister?"
WHAT DO YOU GET?
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
TWO CHEATERS
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with one of my 20 year old students. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife that says, "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things that I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20 year old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife that says, "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things that I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20 year old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me."
THE BLONDE & THE TEXAN
A blonde tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
With another little smile to the driver, the blonde again reached behind her to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. Becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt a little more.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind the young woman picked her up easily by her waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figgered we were friends!"
With another little smile to the driver, the blonde again reached behind her to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. Becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt a little more.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind the young woman picked her up easily by her waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figgered we were friends!"
HAND GRENADE
What do a woman and a hand grenade have in common?
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
LORRAINE & CLEARLY
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At her funeral, the man stands up and sings. . .
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
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