A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit. As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar, she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me, buddy, it's your business if you wanna by the lady a drink but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Saturday, July 4, 2015
BIRTHDAY PRESENT
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation. He was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You should only take a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The husband was very eager to see if the potion really worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You should only take a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The husband was very eager to see if the potion really worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
MATH PROBLEM SOLVED
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" his mother asked. "Yes, Mommy," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now we are learning addition." "The mother asked, "Are you really teaching the children to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" his mother asked. "Yes, Mommy," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now we are learning addition." "The mother asked, "Are you really teaching the children to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four."
READY TO END IT ALL
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean but just before she could throw herself from the docks a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard ship and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. " He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.
"I see," said the captain.
Her conscience having gotten the best of her, she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard ship and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. " He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.
"I see," said the captain.
Her conscience having gotten the best of her, she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
RAISIN BREAD
A young blonde woman working in a bakery oversleeps one morning and, realizing she'll be late for work, throws on last night's clothes before rushing out the door to work. On the way to work, she really started to regret her outfit; her skirt was way too short and her underwear left nothing to the imagination.
Reaching work, her manager asked her to immediately climb up the ladder and grab some raisin bread off the top shelf. Reaching up to get it, she immediately felt a draft on her thighs and cursed herself for not wearing a longer skirt.
Upon reaching the bottom of the ladder, another customer immediately asked for raisin bread. And another. . .and another, until there was a small crowd of men watching her with excitement as she climbed up and down the ladder. As she reached the top of the ladder for what must have been the twentieth time, she heard the tinkle of the door opening and looked down to see an old man staring at her privates in shock.
"Is yours a raisin, too?" she demanded angrily.
"No," replied the old man, "but it is a quiverin'!"
Reaching work, her manager asked her to immediately climb up the ladder and grab some raisin bread off the top shelf. Reaching up to get it, she immediately felt a draft on her thighs and cursed herself for not wearing a longer skirt.
Upon reaching the bottom of the ladder, another customer immediately asked for raisin bread. And another. . .and another, until there was a small crowd of men watching her with excitement as she climbed up and down the ladder. As she reached the top of the ladder for what must have been the twentieth time, she heard the tinkle of the door opening and looked down to see an old man staring at her privates in shock.
"Is yours a raisin, too?" she demanded angrily.
"No," replied the old man, "but it is a quiverin'!"
THE RECEPTIONIST
An old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," the old man said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused a lot of embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with my ear or something like that and discussed the real problem in private with the doctor." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."
With that the old man turned around and walked out. He waited a couple of minutes and then re-entered the waiting room. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," the old man stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing the old man had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!"
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
THE BRIDAL
A redneck couple had just gotten married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" The redneck thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Naw, I guess not. I'll just onto her ears 'til she gets used to it."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" The redneck thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Naw, I guess not. I'll just onto her ears 'til she gets used to it."
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