ROSE

 Two elderly couples are playing bridge one night. They take a break and the women go to the kitchen to make coffee. The one husband asks the other, "Have you been to that new restaurant in town?" The other man replied, "Yes, the wife and I went there one night last week. It was very good." 

Then the first elderly man asked what the name of the restaurant is. The second guy says, "What's the name of that real pretty flower, the one that has red petals and thorns and young men give their girlfriends for Valentine's Day?" The response was, "You mean a rose?"

"Yeah! HEY ROSE! What's the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?"

1-2-3

On his 75th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly that you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"  The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The husband was eager to see if the potion really worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the potion, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said 1-2-3! Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her closes and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

BUT IT WAS SILENT

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the minister's sermon, the old lady leaned over to her husband and said, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" Her husband replied, Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

GIVING BIRTH

Since the beginning of time women have been saying that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles. Here is proof that they are wrong: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid." But you'll never hear a man say, "I could sure go for another kick in the nuts."

CHECK ME OUT

A woman in a supermarket rushed to the express line with a few items. The clerk had his back to her, so she said, "Could you please check me out real quick?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits!"

LATE FOR WORK

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked, "What's your excuse this time?" He shrugged and said, "I slept in." "For God's sake," she screamed, "at least tell me something I haven't heard before!" He replied, "You're looking lovely today."

FIFTY SHADES

Four guys had been going on an annual fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group was to leave, one of the men's wives threw the book Fifty Shades of Grey at him and said, "I've been reading about kinky sex and I'd much rather you stayed home and had some naughty fun with me."

Conflicted, the man read the book ans when he came home from work on the day of the trip, he was ready for his wife. "What are you going to do to me?" she cooed excitedly. "Get on the bed. I am going to tie you up," he said. "Yes! Yes!" she screamed as he secured her to the bedpost. "And now what?"

He looked her in the eyes and said, "Now I'm goin' fishin'!"