SUNDAY MORNING IN CHURCH

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to his flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "Just what do you mean coming to church dressed like that?" "Why, Reverend," the young girl replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Yes, well, let me check," said the pastor, placing his head on her chest. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"

CHRIS ROCK

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to her class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to come to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" Again, no one could answer. Frustrated, Little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a three day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. Just as the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor, sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The entires class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, Little Johnny stands up and says, "Chris Rock! See ya on Tuesday!"

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes decide to drive from Illinois to Disneyland. As they get close, they see a road sign that says: DISNEYLAND, LEFT. So they turned around and went home.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERBODY

 If a deaf child signs foul language does his mother wash his hands?

Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What did the blind man say when he picked up a cheese grater? That's the most violent book I've ever read!

WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?

 An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a beer and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked the bartender if he would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. Then he asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is at the gas station three blocks down the street."

FATHER O'MALLEY

 Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front yard. He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, this is Donald Trump. How can I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Trump, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good Father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

ROSE

 Two elderly couples are playing bridge one night. They take a break and the women go to the kitchen to make coffee. The one husband asks the other, "Have you been to that new restaurant in town?" The other man replied, "Yes, the wife and I went there one night last week. It was very good." 

Then the first elderly man asked what the name of the restaurant is. The second guy says, "What's the name of that real pretty flower, the one that has red petals and thorns and young men give their girlfriends for Valentine's Day?" The response was, "You mean a rose?"

"Yeah! HEY ROSE! What's the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?"