ALABAMA PROFESSOR

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" A dozen students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,

"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'Goats!'" 

SVEN & OLLIE GO TO CALIFORNIA

Sven and Ollie took a trip to California and went to the beach. Sven said, “Hey! Ollie, how are you gonna get dem girls to talk to you?”

 Ollie replied, “I heard dat if you put a potato in your shorts it helps.”

 Sven said, “Okay, but I’m not walking with you. You go that way and I’ll meet you here in an hour.”

An hour later:

“Ollie, did you have much luck?” asked Sven. Ollie replied, “Yah, here we’ve been invited to three parties tonight. How ‘bout you?” Sven said, “No, in fact everyone seemed to move away from me.”

Ollie said, “Vell, let me see. Oh, Sven! You need to put da potato in da front!”

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?' He said, 'I want 5 loaves.' She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'


He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.'

SHINGLES

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had.  Bubba said, “Shingles.”  So she wrote down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.”  So she wrote down his height, weight and got his
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said,  “Shingles.”  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.”  The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, “Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??”