THE VENTRILOQUIST

A ventriloquist is onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are in the middle of spewing out one crude blonde joke after another when a blonde lady sitting in the audience suddenly stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to work harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair.

The ventriloquist replied, "Gosh, ma'am, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

The blonde responded, "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little asshole sitting on your knee."

DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAPES?

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk said no. Five minutes, later the duck comes back and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" and the clerk says no again. The duck comes back five minutes later and asks once again, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says, "No! And if you ask me again, I'll nail your feet the floor."

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk says no. The duck says, "Good! Do you have any grapes?"

SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looked very depressed. His buddy came in and asked him why he was so depressed and the farmer replied, "Y'know, some things you just can't explain. This morning I was out in the barn milkin' old Bessie. As soon as the bucket was just about full she kicked it over with her left foot, so I tied up her left to a post.

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it over with her right foot, so I tied the right one to a post, too. As soon as I finished milkin' Bessie a third time she knocked the bucket over with her tail, so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.

As I was tyin' up Bessie's tail with my belt, my pants fell down, then my wife came out to the barn, and. . . .well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

BLONDE IN LOUISIANA

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about how to properly pronounce the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, on of the tourists asked the blonde employee, "Before we order could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are. . . .very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiiiiiiing."

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

A farmer had three gorgeous daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. On by one the local boys came by to pick up the girls. The first boy arrived and said to the farmer, "Hi! I'm Eddie! I'm here for Betty. We're going steady! Is she ready?" The farmer called for Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

Then the second boy arrived and said to the farmer, "Hi! I'm Joe! I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer called for Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

Soon the third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup. He came to the door and said, "Hi! I'm Chuck!"

The farmer shot him.

A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

An elderly woman saw her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked her how she was feeling and she responded, "Just fine, doctor. Just fine." He asked if she had any complaints or any symptoms that would not go away.

She responded that she did pass an awful lot of gas but that they were always quiet and there was no foul odor, so it really didn't bother her. She said, "I've even passed gas a few times right here in this room this afternoon! But you didn't know it, did you Doctor, because you can't hear them or smell them!"

The doctor sat there patiently listening. When she was done he said, "Well, Mrs. Smith. I think we'll start today with getting that wax out of your ears and next week we'll have you come back and I'll do something about those plugged sinus cavities."

DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT

A doctor wanted to take a day off and go hunting and approached his male assistant. "Bob, I'm going hunting tomorrow and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients. "Yes, sir!" answers Bob.


The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Bob. How was your day? Bob told him that he had taken care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, and the second one?" asked the doctor. The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, doctor." "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, Bob. What about the third one?"


Well, doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door burst open and a woman entered. Quick as lightning, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and she lied down on the table." She spread her legs and shouted, "HELP ME! HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"


"Oh, my Lord," exclaimed the doctor. "What did you do?"


"I put some drops in her eyes."