A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in a thick lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you thell wittle wabbits?" The shopkeeper gets down on his knees so he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl put her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally givth a thit!"
Friday, September 27, 2013
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED. . .
A man comes home from work and tells his wife he's sorry that he forgot her birthday but he'll buy her a nice present and give it her tomorrow. She says, "Well, if you really love me you'll bring me something that will go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." The husband says "Ok".
The next day he comes home from work and tells his wife her present is in the driveway. She excitedly runs outside to the driveway. . . . .and finds a bathroom scale.
HOW THE FIGHT CONTINUED. . . .
Getting ready for bed that night the wife said, "Honey, just look at me. My legs are heavy, my thighs are getting big, and my boobs are starting to sag. I could really use a compliment right now!"
Her husband replied, "You have really good eyesight!"
The next day he comes home from work and tells his wife her present is in the driveway. She excitedly runs outside to the driveway. . . . .and finds a bathroom scale.
HOW THE FIGHT CONTINUED. . . .
Getting ready for bed that night the wife said, "Honey, just look at me. My legs are heavy, my thighs are getting big, and my boobs are starting to sag. I could really use a compliment right now!"
Her husband replied, "You have really good eyesight!"
Saturday, September 21, 2013
WALK ON WATER
A Methodist minister, a Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbi were out in the boat fishing one morning when the minister had to go to the bathroom. He left the boat, walked across the top of the lake, and went into the woods to take care of business. Awhile later, the preacher also had to go to the bathroom. He also left the boat and walked across the top of the lake and soon returned.
No to be outdone, the rabbi said, "I'm afraid I have to go to the bathroom, too." He left the boat and immediately sunk to the bottom of the lake. The minister looked at the preacher and said, "We really should have told him where the rocks are."
No to be outdone, the rabbi said, "I'm afraid I have to go to the bathroom, too." He left the boat and immediately sunk to the bottom of the lake. The minister looked at the preacher and said, "We really should have told him where the rocks are."
NEW SHOES
A blonde walked into a shoe store and tried on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asked the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replied the blonde. The clerk promptly bent down and had a look at the shoes and the blonde's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offered the clerk.
"Nath, theyth thtill feelth a bith tighth," said the blonde, holding onto her tongue.
"Nath, theyth thtill feelth a bith tighth," said the blonde, holding onto her tongue.
UGLY BABY
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming about what the bus driver said. An elderly man sitting next to her asked what was wrong. She replied, "The bus driver just insulted me!"
The old man said, "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead. I'll watch your little monkey for you."
The old man said, "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead. I'll watch your little monkey for you."
HER FIRST FOOTBALL GAME
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles but I just can't figure out why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked her what she meant.
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like, hello??!! It's only 25 cents!"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like, hello??!! It's only 25 cents!"
Friday, September 20, 2013
HOLY SHIT
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The graveside funeral was to be held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were still eating lunch so the pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place. He poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say to the other worker, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain't never seen anything like that before! Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Shit, don't it?"
Returning to his car, the preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say to the other worker, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain't never seen anything like that before! Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Shit, don't it?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)