SNAIL'S PACE

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by a couple of turtles? The police asked the snail if he got a good look and the two turtles who did this. The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast!"

BESSIE

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. 

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes!" replied the man. "Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a damn thing about cars."

THE PRIEST AND THE LITTLE BOY

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy struggle for a few moments, the priest steps across the street, walks up behind the little boy, places his hand kindly on the little boy's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the boy's level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, little fellow"? To which the boy replies, "Now we run like hell!"

VIAGRA AT WAL-MART

A middle aged man walks into Wal-Mart and heads for the pharmacy counter where he asks to speak to a pharmacist. A young blond pharmacist asks the man what she can do to help him. The man looks around furtively and asks, "Do you sell Viagra here?" The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." Then the man asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps. If you took five or six pills at once you might."

TWO BROTHERS

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were always getting into trouble. Their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about the boys' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he though they should send their boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper."

The clergyman agreed to speak to the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went in first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy did not respond so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner voice. "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys' face. "WHERE IS GOD?" At that point the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, hiding himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and ask what had happened. The younger brother said, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything backwards," said the first doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He nearly died on us."

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh, shit," said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"