A young guy from Texas moves to New York City and goes into a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replied that he had been a salesman back home in Texas. The boss like the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
The first day on the job was rough but the kid got through it. After the store was locked up for the night, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The guy said, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$201,237.64." The boss asks him what the heck he sold.
"Well, this guy comes in. First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a large fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast. So I told him he was gonna need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes could pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"The kid says, "Naw, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said 'your weekend's already shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her adult life finally retired. Before her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medications that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized that she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." The doctor replied, Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. . .and, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night!"
As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized that she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." The doctor replied, Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. . .and, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night!"
NICE MAN BECOMES IMPATIENT
A man was riding on a bus minding his own business when a gorgeous woman seated next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man sitting next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so the mother said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The baby still refused and the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid! Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off this bus four stops ago!"
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so the mother said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The baby still refused and the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid! Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off this bus four stops ago!"
THE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is lying on his death bed. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Giudo, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" asked Guido.
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runnin' da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a coupla bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, 'Times up'?"
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" asked Guido.
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runnin' da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a coupla bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, 'Times up'?"
A RIDE IN A TAXI
A woman and her 12 year old son were riding in a taxi in downtown Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," asked the boy, what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work, "she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth. They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The boy's eyes get wide and he asks, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies what happens to them?
His mother replied, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth. They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The boy's eyes get wide and he asks, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies what happens to them?
His mother replied, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
BIOLOGY EXAM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's milk." The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard pressed to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the baby
2) It provides immunity against several diseases
3) It is always the right temperature
4) It is inexpensive
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available, as needed.
And then the student was stuck. He could not come up with a seventh advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat cannot get to it.
He got an A.
1) It is perfect formula for the baby
2) It provides immunity against several diseases
3) It is always the right temperature
4) It is inexpensive
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available, as needed.
And then the student was stuck. He could not come up with a seventh advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat cannot get to it.
He got an A.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
BUDWEISER
A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"
"Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"
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