CHECK YOUR BRAKES

The doctor told this guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it". He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office; somebody might walk in. He thought about the restroom but that was too risky as well. He considered going out in the alley but realized that might be unsafe. Finally, he had an idea. On his way home, he pulled his truck over to the side of the highway, got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining his truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and went to town.

He closed his eyes and thought about his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What!?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle. It's busted". Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

THE BAPTIST PREACHER & THE COWBOY

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Dallas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute that let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

TWO CANNIBALS

Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist. "You start at the feet and I'll start at the head," said the first cannibal. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You okay?" he asks. "Fine," comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."

"You're eating too fast!" replied the first cannibal.

STUTTERING

A man with a bad stutter visits his doctor. "D-D-D-Doctor, W-W-W-Why do I St-St-St-Stutter? The doctor replied, "It's because of your enormous penis." The man replied, "What C-C-C-Can we d-d-d-do about it?" The doctor replied, "We have to cut some of it." The man said, W-W-W-Well, I have t-t-t-to t-t-talk t-t-t-to my w-w-w-wife about that."

Later that day, the man returns to the doctor's office. "M-M-M-My w-w-w-wife says o-o-o-okay to the o-o-o-operation."

One month later, the man returns to see his doctor. "My wife liked my stutter better than my small penis. Can we reverse the surgery?'

The doctor replied, N-N-N-N-NO!  N-N-N-N-Not p-p-p-p-possible, s-s-s-s-s-sir!

PEGGY SUE

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in, Fred," said Peggy Sue's mother. "So what are you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop or maybe talk a walk on the beach," answered Fred. 

"Peggy Sue likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, Peggy Sue would screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. 

"Have fun, kids," her mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the door shut behind her.

"It's THE TWIST, Mom, THE TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother.

MATH HOMEWORK

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The boy answers, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother went to see the teacher the next day. "What are teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them is two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

WANT ADS

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he said. "You must be mistaken," she replied. "Let me explain," he said. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, how do I know you're any good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"