Why are there no nativity scenes in Washington, D.C.?
They can't find three wise men.
Monday, November 17, 2014
SUPPORT
What did the head of the support group for people addicted to plastic surgery say to them when the group met last Friday?
"Well, I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week."
"Well, I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week."
BROWN PAPER PETE
In the Old West, a cowboy rides into a strange town one day and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows. He enters the local saloon and asks the bartender, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang somebody?"
The bartender nods, "Yup, we're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Pete this afternoon." The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Pete?" "Well," says the barkeep, "he's always wearin' clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts, brown paper pants. Hell, he even wears brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him fer?
"Rustlin'," replied the bartender.
The bartender nods, "Yup, we're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Pete this afternoon." The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Pete?" "Well," says the barkeep, "he's always wearin' clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts, brown paper pants. Hell, he even wears brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him fer?
"Rustlin'," replied the bartender.
SENIOR SEX
An elderly couple is sitting in McDonald's having their breakfast. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, I remember it well," she responds. "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times' sake?" "Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" she says.
A police officer sitting in the booth behind them overheard their conversation, and having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex one could imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The cop is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know before. After about a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself that this is truly amazing. He decides he must ask them what their secret is. So, as the old couple pass, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
"Yes, I remember it well," she responds. "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times' sake?" "Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" she says.
A police officer sitting in the booth behind them overheard their conversation, and having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex one could imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The cop is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know before. After about a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself that this is truly amazing. He decides he must ask them what their secret is. So, as the old couple pass, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
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