A wealthy man was being unfaithful to his wife, having an affair lasting several years with a young, gorgeous Italian woman. One night during one of their secret trysts, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to damage his standing in the community or further harm his marriage, he offered her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and have the baby. He offered her additional financial support if she agreed to stay there until the child was 18.
She accepted, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. Wanting to remain discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard when the baby arrived. "Write spaghetti on the card and I will know that the baby has been born and I will start the additional child support."
Nine months later, he came home to his confused wife who told him he got a rather strange postcard in the mail. Flustered, he said, "Just give it to me. I'm sure I can explain it later." His wife handed him the card and watched him read it. His face turned white and his knees buckled. The card read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. . .two with meatballs and one without!"
Friday, August 15, 2014
HEY BATMAN!
Three friends were meeting for lunch and commiserating about how lackluster their relationships were. One was dating, one was engaged, and the third woman had been married for years. They decided to pull out all the stops and see if they could get their men excited about them. They made their plans and decided to meet the next day to discuss how it went.
The next day, the young woman who was dating, said, "I bought a red lace nightie, bright red lipstick, black fishnet stockings, and a garter belt. He was so excited! We had a great time! He liked it so much! He thinks he's in love!"
The engaged woman said, "Well, I showed up in a raincoat at his job as everyone was leaving for the day. Let's just say, his desk could tell a story and now he's ready to set the wedding date!"
The married woman, obviously frustrated, chimed in, "Well, that's just great. I went all out, too. I got a neighbor to watch the kids and when he got home, I was standing there in black leather, a mask, and a whip. He stormed by me and headed right for the refrigerator. He grabbed a beer, plopped down on the couch, and yelled, 'Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?'"
The next day, the young woman who was dating, said, "I bought a red lace nightie, bright red lipstick, black fishnet stockings, and a garter belt. He was so excited! We had a great time! He liked it so much! He thinks he's in love!"
The engaged woman said, "Well, I showed up in a raincoat at his job as everyone was leaving for the day. Let's just say, his desk could tell a story and now he's ready to set the wedding date!"
The married woman, obviously frustrated, chimed in, "Well, that's just great. I went all out, too. I got a neighbor to watch the kids and when he got home, I was standing there in black leather, a mask, and a whip. He stormed by me and headed right for the refrigerator. He grabbed a beer, plopped down on the couch, and yelled, 'Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?'"
MEETING THE POPE
A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using the same mode of transportation because he apparently wants to try something different. "This is exciting!" the man thinks to himself. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the man is too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic!" the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to as woman that ends in u-n-t?" Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels very uncomfortable. "Good Lord," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a moment, then it hits him. "Your Excellency, I think the world you're looking for is aunt!"
"Of course!" replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the man is too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic!" the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to as woman that ends in u-n-t?" Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels very uncomfortable. "Good Lord," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a moment, then it hits him. "Your Excellency, I think the world you're looking for is aunt!"
"Of course!" replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
TONTO
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and the saw a gorgeous young woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right by his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned and smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Boston."
Here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of facts do you teach?"
"Well," she explained, "the most well-endowed of all men are, in fact, the native American Indian. A popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba!"
Here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of facts do you teach?"
"Well," she explained, "the most well-endowed of all men are, in fact, the native American Indian. A popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba!"
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