A man belongs to a foot fetish club. His girlfriend knows about his predilection and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they agree that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he mixed up his girlfriend's picture with one of his mother's feet.
He goes back to the club the next day and says, "Guys! I'm afraid we got off on the wrong foot yesterday!"
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
TIGER'S BALLS
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on God's green earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin' Jaysus," says the Irishman. "Them BMW people thinks of everything!"
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on God's green earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin' Jaysus," says the Irishman. "Them BMW people thinks of everything!"
SCOTLAND OR WALES
Three hefty women walk into a restaurant and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they are done ordering, he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The man replied, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The man replied, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"
TWO ELDERLY SMOKERS
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea, so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms for herself. When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the young cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her rather disgustedly and asks her what kind she wants.
She replies, "Honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as they fit a camel."
She replies, "Honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as they fit a camel."
Monday, May 18, 2015
ON A DEER ROLL
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One deer turns to the other and says, "Man! I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!"
THE DEER HUNTER
Two hunters are walking through the forest. One hunter says to the other, "DUCK! THERE'S A DEER BEHIND YOU!" The other hunter, however, does not duck and is subsequently shot. He falls to the ground and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1. Before the operator can say anything, the man screams, "HELP! HELP! I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!" The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually is dead." Another gunshot rings through the forest.
The hunter then asks, "What should I do now?"
The hunter then asks, "What should I do now?"
A NEW BRA
A scientist wanted to develop a bra that stops women's boobs from bouncing while running and doesn't show nipples when wet.
DON'T PANIC! We killed the son of a bitch!
DON'T PANIC! We killed the son of a bitch!
IF YOU ARE SLEEPING
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, texted her back, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
The husband, typically non-romantic, texted her back, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
COUPLE OF SHORT ONES
Q: How many ears does Spock have?
A: Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A kamikaze pilot professor tells his students, "Pay attention! I'm only going to do this once!"
A: Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A kamikaze pilot professor tells his students, "Pay attention! I'm only going to do this once!"
PRESS ONE
A guy wakes up from a coma in the hospital. His doctor asks him what he remembers. "All I remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had the most beautiful cleavage and I couldn't stop staring at it. Then she looked at me and told me, "Could you please press one?"
BILLY BOB'S BARN
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the doors, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, Billy Bob rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doin', Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers outa me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me and the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doin', Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers outa me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me and the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
DESERTED ISLAND
This guy is stranded on a deserted island with only his dog and a goat for companionship. Days pass. . .then weeks. . .then months. . .then years with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex. So he looks around and sees the goat and comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her just right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hillside where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears a woman screaming for help so he swims out to rescue her and the woman is grateful. Thanking him for saving her life, she says, "I'll do anything to repay you." He replies, "Anything?" "Yes, anything," she answers.
So he asks, "Great! Can you take the dog for a walk for about 45 minutes?"
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hillside where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears a woman screaming for help so he swims out to rescue her and the woman is grateful. Thanking him for saving her life, she says, "I'll do anything to repay you." He replies, "Anything?" "Yes, anything," she answers.
So he asks, "Great! Can you take the dog for a walk for about 45 minutes?"
JANE MEETS TARZAN
When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle for the first time, she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex", he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Jane was horrified and said, "Tarzan, you've got it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Jane was horrified and said, "Tarzan, you've got it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
JOKES FROM THE NUDIST COLONY
Q: How can you tell a blind guy at a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q: How you tell the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Someone drilled a hole in the fence at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q: How you tell the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Someone drilled a hole in the fence at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
MONKS OPEN A FLOWER SHOP
An order of monks needed to raise some money, so they figured the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers. Now these monks sold their flowers really cheap. Everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all of their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded together to figure out how to remove the monks from the flower business. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best knee-capper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastery.
Cowed, the monks caved in to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded together to figure out how to remove the monks from the flower business. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best knee-capper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastery.
Cowed, the monks caved in to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
THE YOUNG PREACHER
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late he saw a backhoe and the crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but he still poured out his heart in an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT?
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees a neighbor kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and walks on by.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop "n Serve" and "Pop 'N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy will be buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozen of celebrities are expected to turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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