Why are there no nativity scenes in Washington, D.C.?
They can't find three wise men.
Monday, November 17, 2014
SUPPORT
What did the head of the support group for people addicted to plastic surgery say to them when the group met last Friday?
"Well, I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week."
"Well, I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week."
BROWN PAPER PETE
In the Old West, a cowboy rides into a strange town one day and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows. He enters the local saloon and asks the bartender, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang somebody?"
The bartender nods, "Yup, we're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Pete this afternoon." The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Pete?" "Well," says the barkeep, "he's always wearin' clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts, brown paper pants. Hell, he even wears brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him fer?
"Rustlin'," replied the bartender.
The bartender nods, "Yup, we're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Pete this afternoon." The cowboy asks, "How come he's called Brown Paper Pete?" "Well," says the barkeep, "he's always wearin' clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts, brown paper pants. Hell, he even wears brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him fer?
"Rustlin'," replied the bartender.
SENIOR SEX
An elderly couple is sitting in McDonald's having their breakfast. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, I remember it well," she responds. "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times' sake?" "Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" she says.
A police officer sitting in the booth behind them overheard their conversation, and having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex one could imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The cop is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know before. After about a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself that this is truly amazing. He decides he must ask them what their secret is. So, as the old couple pass, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
"Yes, I remember it well," she responds. "Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times' sake?" "Oh, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" she says.
A police officer sitting in the booth behind them overheard their conversation, and having a chuckle, thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex one could imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting, on the ground.
The cop is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life and old age that he didn't know before. After about a half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself that this is truly amazing. He decides he must ask them what their secret is. So, as the old couple pass, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
Friday, August 15, 2014
SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI
A wealthy man was being unfaithful to his wife, having an affair lasting several years with a young, gorgeous Italian woman. One night during one of their secret trysts, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to damage his standing in the community or further harm his marriage, he offered her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy and have the baby. He offered her additional financial support if she agreed to stay there until the child was 18.
She accepted, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. Wanting to remain discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard when the baby arrived. "Write spaghetti on the card and I will know that the baby has been born and I will start the additional child support."
Nine months later, he came home to his confused wife who told him he got a rather strange postcard in the mail. Flustered, he said, "Just give it to me. I'm sure I can explain it later." His wife handed him the card and watched him read it. His face turned white and his knees buckled. The card read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. . .two with meatballs and one without!"
She accepted, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. Wanting to remain discreet, he told her to mail him a postcard when the baby arrived. "Write spaghetti on the card and I will know that the baby has been born and I will start the additional child support."
Nine months later, he came home to his confused wife who told him he got a rather strange postcard in the mail. Flustered, he said, "Just give it to me. I'm sure I can explain it later." His wife handed him the card and watched him read it. His face turned white and his knees buckled. The card read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. . .two with meatballs and one without!"
HEY BATMAN!
Three friends were meeting for lunch and commiserating about how lackluster their relationships were. One was dating, one was engaged, and the third woman had been married for years. They decided to pull out all the stops and see if they could get their men excited about them. They made their plans and decided to meet the next day to discuss how it went.
The next day, the young woman who was dating, said, "I bought a red lace nightie, bright red lipstick, black fishnet stockings, and a garter belt. He was so excited! We had a great time! He liked it so much! He thinks he's in love!"
The engaged woman said, "Well, I showed up in a raincoat at his job as everyone was leaving for the day. Let's just say, his desk could tell a story and now he's ready to set the wedding date!"
The married woman, obviously frustrated, chimed in, "Well, that's just great. I went all out, too. I got a neighbor to watch the kids and when he got home, I was standing there in black leather, a mask, and a whip. He stormed by me and headed right for the refrigerator. He grabbed a beer, plopped down on the couch, and yelled, 'Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?'"
The next day, the young woman who was dating, said, "I bought a red lace nightie, bright red lipstick, black fishnet stockings, and a garter belt. He was so excited! We had a great time! He liked it so much! He thinks he's in love!"
The engaged woman said, "Well, I showed up in a raincoat at his job as everyone was leaving for the day. Let's just say, his desk could tell a story and now he's ready to set the wedding date!"
The married woman, obviously frustrated, chimed in, "Well, that's just great. I went all out, too. I got a neighbor to watch the kids and when he got home, I was standing there in black leather, a mask, and a whip. He stormed by me and headed right for the refrigerator. He grabbed a beer, plopped down on the couch, and yelled, 'Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?'"
MEETING THE POPE
A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using the same mode of transportation because he apparently wants to try something different. "This is exciting!" the man thinks to himself. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the man is too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic!" the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to as woman that ends in u-n-t?" Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels very uncomfortable. "Good Lord," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a moment, then it hits him. "Your Excellency, I think the world you're looking for is aunt!"
"Of course!" replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the man is too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic!" the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Maybe if the Pope gets stuck he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to as woman that ends in u-n-t?" Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels very uncomfortable. "Good Lord," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a moment, then it hits him. "Your Excellency, I think the world you're looking for is aunt!"
"Of course!" replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
TONTO
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and the saw a gorgeous young woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right by his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned and smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Boston."
Here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of facts do you teach?"
"Well," she explained, "the most well-endowed of all men are, in fact, the native American Indian. A popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba!"
Here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of facts do you teach?"
"Well," she explained, "the most well-endowed of all men are, in fact, the native American Indian. A popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba!"
Saturday, April 5, 2014
HERE'S TO YOU, MRS. ROBINSON
Mrs. Green lived with her children in a big two-story house and rented the upstairs to an elderly widow. After not hearing from the old lady in a few days, the woman asked her 10 year old son, "Johnny, do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is." Up the stairs went Johnny. When he came back downstairs, she asked, "So how is she?" "HOW IS SHE?" Johnny replied. "I've never seen her so mad in all my life. She said it's none of your damn business how old she is!"
MARVIN'S FUNERAL
Marvin was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called in Marvin's preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the preacher stood by the bed, Marvin's condition seemed to deteriorate. Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The preacher got the pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. Marvin scribbled a short message and then handed the paper back to the preacher. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The preacher felt that now was not the right time to read the message, so he put it in his jacket pocket.
It was at the funeral that the preacher, while speaking, suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket, the preacher said, "And you know what! I suddenly remembered that right before he died, Marvin handed me this note. Knowing Marvin, I'm sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from." With that introduction the preacher ripped out the note, opened it, and read:
HEY, YOU ASSHOLE, YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!"
It was at the funeral that the preacher, while speaking, suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket, the preacher said, "And you know what! I suddenly remembered that right before he died, Marvin handed me this note. Knowing Marvin, I'm sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from." With that introduction the preacher ripped out the note, opened it, and read:
HEY, YOU ASSHOLE, YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!"
TWO FRIENDS
Two men have been friends for years. One is a lawyer, the other is a farmer. The lawyer goes out to visit the farmer for the weekend, arriving in mid afternoon. There are still many unfinished chores and the farmer doesn't have time to be a good host until the chores are done. So he says to his friend, "I'll be a couple of hours, so why don't you go shooting. Grab one of my shotguns, here's the key to my off road truck, take a few dogs with you and I'll see you in a little while."
Off goes the lawyer. Five minutes later he returns. The farmer is confused. He asks the lawyer if everything is ok. The lawyer replies, "Everything's great! This is so much fun! Do you have any more dogs?"
Off goes the lawyer. Five minutes later he returns. The farmer is confused. He asks the lawyer if everything is ok. The lawyer replies, "Everything's great! This is so much fun! Do you have any more dogs?"
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