SNAIL'S PACE

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by a couple of turtles? The police asked the snail if he got a good look and the two turtles who did this. The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast!"

BESSIE

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. 

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes!" replied the man. "Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a damn thing about cars."

THE PRIEST AND THE LITTLE BOY

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy struggle for a few moments, the priest steps across the street, walks up behind the little boy, places his hand kindly on the little boy's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the boy's level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, little fellow"? To which the boy replies, "Now we run like hell!"

VIAGRA AT WAL-MART

A middle aged man walks into Wal-Mart and heads for the pharmacy counter where he asks to speak to a pharmacist. A young blond pharmacist asks the man what she can do to help him. The man looks around furtively and asks, "Do you sell Viagra here?" The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." Then the man asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps. If you took five or six pills at once you might."

TWO BROTHERS

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were always getting into trouble. Their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about the boys' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he though they should send their boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper."

The clergyman agreed to speak to the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went in first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy did not respond so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner voice. "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys' face. "WHERE IS GOD?" At that point the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, hiding himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and ask what had happened. The younger brother said, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything backwards," said the first doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He nearly died on us."

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh, shit," said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

THE TREE

Bubba pulled the car over by the side of the road and showed his buddy Earl where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. We were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," recalled Bubba.

"That sounds wonderful," said Earl. "Yes it was," replied Bubba, "Until I looked up and notice her ma was standin' right there watchin' us." "Oh my God!" said Earl. "What did her ma say when she saw you makin' love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa. . . . ."

WHO ARE YOU?

I rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car and he was a friggin' DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

THEM CADILLAC PEOPLE

A man and his wife are driving through the United States on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decides to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later he spots a Mobil station and pulls up to the high octane pump.

"What can I for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this, mister?" he asks. "I ain't never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest filling with pride, "This, my boy, is a brand new 2013 Cadillac."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, GPS system, and, best of all, an 8.8 liter V8 engine." "Wow, that's really somethin'!" replies the attendant.

The tank is full and the attendant replaces the hose. "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $50.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off two 20s and a 10 dollar bill, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are them little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," replied the customer. "Wow! says the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything, don't they?"

ACME SLINGSHOT

CLOSE SHAVE

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the man mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and your gum." The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the man asks, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone elses does."

A BLONDE AND HER BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, the car is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do THAT?"

IN THE GARDEN

A beautiful young woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman in the neighborhood who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked him what he did to get his tomatoes so red. The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was very impressed and decided to try doing the same thing to her tomatoes to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day, the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

KERMIT JAGGER

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation", said the frog. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay because he knows the bank manager personally. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "Sir, there's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny elephant and says, "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says. . . . ."It's a knicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone!"