AVALANCHE

 A 16-year-old high school boy came home one afternoon with a brand new Chevrolet Avalanche. His parents demanded to know where he got the truck. He calmly told them, "I bought it a few minutes ago." "Bought it??!!" his mother screamed, "What in the name of everything holy did you buy it with?" "The boy said, "I paid cash for it. The truck only cost me $15." His parents began yelling even louder, "Who in their right mind would sell a truck like that for $15?" "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name. They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for $15?"

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother. "She must be a child molester. Who knows what she will do next?" She demanded that her husband go up there right away and see what was going on. So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the front yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a brand new Chevrolet Avalanche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well, you see, this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip but learned from a friend that he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and desperate for cash. He asked me to sell his brand new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did!"

THE FLINTSTONES

 Television stations in Dubai have stopped showing reruns of The Flintstones, claiming the people do not understand the humor. But the people of Abu Dabi do.

TOMMY

 A first grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students, Tommy. She asked, "Tommy, what is your problem?" Tommy answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had heard enough and took Tommy to the principal's office. While Tommy waited in the outer office, Miss Brooks explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told her that he would give Tommy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave himself.

Tommy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. The principal asked, "What is 3 x 3?" Tommy replied, "9." "What is 6 x 6?" "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Miss Brooks said to the pricipal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Tommy both agreed.

Miss Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?" After a moment, Tommy said, "Legs." She then asked, "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question. Tommy replied, "Pockets." She then asked, "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Tommy responded, "Pants." The principal sat there with his mouth hanging open. Miss Brooks next asked Tommy, "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?" Tommy replied, "Bubble gum." She then asked, "What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Tommy said, "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Finally, Miss Brooks asked, "What word starts with an F and ends with a K and means a lot of heat and excitement? Tommy said, "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Miss Brooks, "Put Tommy in the fifth grade! I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"

THE OLD BULL

 An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near any of the female cows. The farmer called the vet who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull's interest. A few weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend who asked, "How's your bull?" "Great!' replied the farmer, "He's back to his former frisky self." The friend said, "That's fantastic! What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?" "I don't know the name of it," said the old farmer, "but it tastes like licorice."

FREE SEX TONIGHT

 A guy spots a beautiful young Chinese girl at a party and finally gets up the nerve to go over and introduce himself. He asks for her phone number and she responds, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" He cannot believe how much his luck has changed for the better. . .until her American friend says, "She is trying to tell you her phone number is 666-3629."

SOME GROANERS

Q: What did the veterinarian say when a Shetland pony came into his office complaining of a sore throat?

A: I know what's wrong here, you're just a little hoarse!

Q: What's the difference between a moon rock and an earth rock?

A: A moon rock is a little meteor.

Q: What did the horse say when it was laying on the ground?

A: Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup. 

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

A: If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What does a grape say when an elephant steps on it?

A: Nothing. It just lets out a little whine.

OH, TONY!

A married man named Ken was visiting his girlfriend one night when she suggested he shave his beard, telling him she would really like to see his handsome face. He replied that his wife loved his beard and there was no way he could shave it because she would kill him. She begged him in a sexy little voice and he finally sighed and gave in. Later that night he crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. She woke up, reach over and felt his smooth face, and said, "Oh, Tony! You shouldn't be here! My husband will be home any minute!"

GOING TO A LECTURE

An elderly man is stopped by a policeman around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replied, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body as well as smoking and staying out late." "Really? And just who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" asked the officer. The man replied, "That would be my wife."

SUNDAY MORNING IN CHURCH

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to his flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "Just what do you mean coming to church dressed like that?" "Why, Reverend," the young girl replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Yes, well, let me check," said the pastor, placing his head on her chest. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"

CHRIS ROCK

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to her class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to come to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" Again, no one could answer. Frustrated, Little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a three day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. Just as the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor, sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The entires class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, Little Johnny stands up and says, "Chris Rock! See ya on Tuesday!"

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes decide to drive from Illinois to Disneyland. As they get close, they see a road sign that says: DISNEYLAND, LEFT. So they turned around and went home.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERBODY

 If a deaf child signs foul language does his mother wash his hands?

Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What did the blind man say when he picked up a cheese grater? That's the most violent book I've ever read!

WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?

 An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a beer and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked the bartender if he would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. Then he asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is at the gas station three blocks down the street."

FATHER O'MALLEY

 Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front yard. He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, this is Donald Trump. How can I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Trump, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good Father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

ROSE

 Two elderly couples are playing bridge one night. They take a break and the women go to the kitchen to make coffee. The one husband asks the other, "Have you been to that new restaurant in town?" The other man replied, "Yes, the wife and I went there one night last week. It was very good." 

Then the first elderly man asked what the name of the restaurant is. The second guy says, "What's the name of that real pretty flower, the one that has red petals and thorns and young men give their girlfriends for Valentine's Day?" The response was, "You mean a rose?"

"Yeah! HEY ROSE! What's the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?"