BUT IT WAS SILENT

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the minister's sermon, the old lady leaned over to her husband and said, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" Her husband replied, Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

GIVING BIRTH

Since the beginning of time women have been saying that giving birth is more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles. Here is proof that they are wrong: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid." But you'll never hear a man say, "I could sure go for another kick in the nuts."

CHECK ME OUT

A woman in a supermarket rushed to the express line with a few items. The clerk had his back to her, so she said, "Could you please check me out real quick?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits!"

LATE FOR WORK

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked, "What's your excuse this time?" He shrugged and said, "I slept in." "For God's sake," she screamed, "at least tell me something I haven't heard before!" He replied, "You're looking lovely today."

FIFTY SHADES

Four guys had been going on an annual fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group was to leave, one of the men's wives threw the book Fifty Shades of Grey at him and said, "I've been reading about kinky sex and I'd much rather you stayed home and had some naughty fun with me."

Conflicted, the man read the book ans when he came home from work on the day of the trip, he was ready for his wife. "What are you going to do to me?" she cooed excitedly. "Get on the bed. I am going to tie you up," he said. "Yes! Yes!" she screamed as he secured her to the bedpost. "And now what?"

He looked her in the eyes and said, "Now I'm goin' fishin'!"