VISIT TO THE BARBER

A little girl goes with her daddy when he goes to the barber shop for his haircut. When the barber gets ready to cut the man's hair, he gives the little girl some candy to hopefully keep her occupied. But the girl is standing right in the barber's way watching her daddy get his haircut. Every time the barber turns around the little girl is there. He finally says to her, "Honey you're going to get hair on your lollipop."

She replied, "I know! And I'm gonna get boobies someday, too!"

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny as he walked into class three hours late. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm so late is cause my Daddy sleeps naked."

Now, Miss Russell has taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her mounting fear, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here lowdown old fox. The last few nights, he done ate six of our hens. Last night when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and said to my Ma, 'That dern fox is back again. . .I'm a gonna git him! Stay back!' Daddy whispered to all us kids.

My Daddy was naked as a jaybird - no boots, no pants, no shirt. He crawled out to the henhouse just like an Injun on the prowl. Then he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness with that fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!

Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

BIG CHIEF

A young Indian scout comes riding into town from the prairie and runs straight to the town doctor. Out of breath and distraught, he interrupts the doctor who is tending to another patient and says to him. "Big chief, no fart! Big chief no fart!" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, your Indian chief has gas! Here, take these two pills with you back to the prairie and tell your chief to take them. That should fix his illness." And with that, the scout returned to the prairie. The next day the Indian scout came riding back into town and again ran to the town doctor, still frantic, and when he got to the doctor he pleaded once again. "Big chief no fart! Big chief no fart!" The doctor looked puzzled. "Hmm. Those pills didn’t help? He must have a more severe case of gas than I originally thought. Go back to your chief and tell him to take FOUR more of these." He handed the scout four more pills and the scout took off like a shot, back to the prairie. 

The next day the Indian scout came riding into town again, faster than ever! He ran up to the doctor and began yelling gibberish that the doctor couldn’t understand. The doctor began to calm him down, "Whoa, whoa there. Calm down. What’s the problem? Still ’Big Chief no fart’"? The scout looks him in the eyes and says, "Big fart, no chief!"

SHOPPING AT WAL-MART

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00." 

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

FASCINATE

Recess is over and the class is about to study English and Grammar. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word FASCINATE in a sentence. Little Johnny in the back row immediately raises his hand. The teacher, however, has been blind-sided by Johnny too many times before, and refuses to call on him. Finally, a little girl in the front raised her hand and said, "My Daddy took me to the zoo last Sunday to see all the fascinating animals." The teacher replied, "That's a variation of the word fascinate but it's not the word itself. Can anyone else use fascinate in a sentence?" A little boy said, "I watched a show about spaceships last night and I was fascinated." The teacher replied, " Well, again, that's a version of the word fascinate but not the actual word. Isn't there anyone who can use fascinate in a sentence?" No one answered but Little Johnny was eagerly holding his hand up.
The teacher had no choice but to call on him.

"Yes, Johnny, can you use the word fascinate in a sentence?" she asked. "Yes, teacher! My Aunt Betty got a new sweater for her birthday. It's got ten buttons on it but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"

The teacher fainted.

THE JAR

An old couple went to see their doctor. When the doctor asked what the problem was, the old lady responded, "He doesn't satisfy me in bed anymore." The doctor suggested the couple provide him with a specimen so he could take a sperm count and he sent the couple home with a glass jar.

They returned to the doctor's office a few days later with the jar still empty. The doctor asked if there was a problem in providing the specimen. The old man replied, "Well, doctor, I'm sorry. I tried it with my left hand and I tried it with my right hand. Then the wife tried it with her left hand and she tried it with her right hand. Nothing happened. I held on to it while the old lady tried it with both hands. Hell, she even took out her false teeth and tried it with her gums. I'm awful sorry, doctor, but we just can't get the damn lid off your jar!"

IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE

A woman gives birth to twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One of the boys is adopted by a couple in Egypt and he is given the name Ahmal. The other boy is adopted by Spanish parents and is given the name Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of her other son as well. 

Her husband replies, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

YOU ARE 47

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but hold old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the main said, feeling really happy.

Next he goes into McDonald's for lunch. He asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look like you're about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Since there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let the old woman slip her hand down the front of his pants. Two minutes later she says, "OK, I'm done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replied, " I was standing right behind you at McDonalds."

COORS BEER

A husband and wife are shopping at Costco when the man picks up a case of Coors Lite and puts it in the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "He replies, "They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans." "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they continue on shopping.

A few aisles later the wife picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it into the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks her husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she replies.

The man says, "So does 24 cans of Coors Lite and it's half the price!"

THE PENGUIN

A penguin is driving his car out west one hot summer day when he notices the oil light come on and, sure enough, the car is leaking oil all over the place. He pulls into the first service station he can find and asks the mechanic how long it would take to fix the car. The mechanic said he had a few other cars to look at first, but he should be done in about an hour. The penguin agrees and decides to go uptown and look around.

Finding an ice cream shop, the penguin goes inside and thinks, "Boy, a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would sure taste good right now." So he sits down at the counter and orders the biggest bowl of ice cream that the shop has.

Scarfing it all down, the penguin returns to the garage with an ice cream mustache and asks the mechanic, "Did you find out what's wrong with my car?" "Looks like you've blown a seal," replied the mechanic.

"Oh, that! No, I just really love vanilla ice cream!" replied the penguin.

BRAZILIAN

A blonde was sitting in a cafeteria engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines read "12 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED". She shook her head and began to cry. She turned to the man seated next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian anyway?"

GO FLY A KITE

A husband is in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries a few more times with no success. His wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite."