WABBITS

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in a thick lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you thell wittle wabbits?" The shopkeeper gets down on his knees so he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl put her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally givth a thit!"

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED. . .

A man comes home from work and tells his wife he's sorry that he forgot her birthday but he'll buy her a nice present and give it her tomorrow. She says, "Well, if you really love me you'll bring me something that will go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." The husband says "Ok".

The next day he comes home from work and tells his wife her present is in the driveway. She excitedly runs outside to the driveway. . . . .and finds a bathroom scale.

HOW THE FIGHT CONTINUED. . . .

Getting ready for bed that night the wife said, "Honey, just look at me. My legs are heavy, my thighs are getting big, and my boobs are starting to sag. I could really use a compliment right now!"

Her husband replied, "You have really good eyesight!"

WALK ON WATER

A Methodist minister, a Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbi were out in the boat fishing one morning when the minister had to go to the bathroom. He left the boat, walked across the top of the lake, and went into the woods to take care of business. Awhile later, the preacher also had to go to the bathroom. He also left the boat and walked across the top of the lake and soon returned.

No to be outdone, the rabbi said, "I'm afraid I have to go to the bathroom, too." He left the boat and immediately sunk to the bottom of the lake. The minister looked at the preacher and said, "We really should have told him where the rocks are."

NEW SHOES

A blonde walked into a shoe store and tried on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asked the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replied the blonde. The clerk promptly bent down and had a look at the shoes and the blonde's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offered the clerk.

"Nath, theyth thtill feelth a bith tighth," said the blonde, holding onto her tongue.

UGLY BABY

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming about what the bus driver said. An elderly man sitting next to her asked what was wrong. She replied, "The bus driver just insulted me!"

The old man said, "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead. I'll watch your little monkey for you."

HER FIRST FOOTBALL GAME

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles but I just can't figure out why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked her what she meant. 

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like, hello??!! It's only 25 cents!"

HOLY SHIT

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The graveside funeral was to be held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were still eating lunch so the pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place. He poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say to the other worker, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain't never seen anything like that before! Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Shit, don't it?"

NEW DEODORANT

I got this new deodorant at Wal-Mart earlier today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."

I can barely walk and it hurts to sit down, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!

GREAT PERSONALITY

Two police officers knock on the door and when the man of the house answers, one of the officers holds up a picture and asks, "Is this your wife, sir?"

"Yes, it is," the man answers.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus," the officer tells him.

"I know," the man answers, "but she has a great personality."

BLONDE IN A BOOKSTORE

A blonde walked into a bookstore and approached a clerk. "I'm looking for a book about men with small penises, but I forgot the name," she said.

The clerk thought for a moment and then said, "I don't think it's in yet."

The blonde replied, "Yes, that's the title!"

NEW BATTERIES

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through the old lady leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards," said one of the doctors. "Just last week I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!" The guy damned near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh, my God!" said the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

FIRST DATE

Bubba pulled the car over by the side of the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day real well. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," recalled Bubba.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes, it was until I looked up and noticed her ma was standin' right there watchin' us."

"Oh, my God! What did her ma say when she saw you makin' love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa...."

NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Jamaica found a secluded beach and decided to strip off all their clothes and get an all-over tan. Unfortunately, they both fell asleep and when they finally woke up they had sunburned everything.

That night they could neither one fall asleep. He, especially, was in a lot of pain. His dick was burned beet red and throbbing. About two in the morning he finally went out to the kitchenette, poured a cold glass of milk, and dunked his willie in it.

All of a sudden the lights came on and there stood his new bride. She looked at him for a moment, his dick still in the glass of milk, and then said, "Hmmm! I always wondered how you guys loaded those things!"

CHINESE DETECTIVE

A husband suspected that his wife was cheating so he called a detective agency to have her followed. The agency said they would send over their best PI. Soon, a little Chinaman appeared at his front door and told the man he was the detective he'd been expecting.

The husband was very skeptical and doubted that this little guy could do him much good. The Chinaman told him he would have all the answers for him in 48 hours and took off with a picture of the wife in tow.

Two days later, the detective showed back up at the husband's front door. When he opened the door, the man was shocked to see the Chinaman's condition. He was dirty, his clothes were torn, he had bruises and scratches on his arms and face, his hair was a mess, and his glasses were bent out of shape.

The man said, "I should have known better that to hire you! What in the hell happened? Her boyfriend caught you and beat the shit out of you, right?"

The Chinaman calmly said, "No, no. Let me tell." So the husband listened intently as the little guy said:

"Me follow she.
She meet he.
He take her home.
He take her inside.
He take her upstairs to bedroom.
I climb tree to get better look.
He take off her clothes.
She take of his clothes.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tree."

MAGIC BEER

A guy walks into a drinking establishment on the 10th floor of an office building and sits down at the bar. The bartender asks him what he'll have. He asked the guy seated next to him what he was drinking. The man replied, "It's magic beer."

"What's magic beer?" The man explained that it has magical powers. "After drinking one mug of magic beer, you'll be able to jump out that window, fly all around the city, and fly back in the window for another magic beer."

The guy said, "I'll have what he's having!" After he finished his beer, he went over to the window and jumped out. He fell straight down. . .10 floors. . .SPLAT!

The bartender looked over at the other guy and said, Y'know, you're a real jackass when you're drunk, Superman!"