A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Dallas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute that let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Sunday, March 27, 2016
TWO CANNIBALS
Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist. "You start at the feet and I'll start at the head," said the first cannibal. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You okay?" he asks. "Fine," comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."
"You're eating too fast!" replied the first cannibal.
"You're eating too fast!" replied the first cannibal.
STUTTERING
A man with a bad stutter visits his doctor. "D-D-D-Doctor, W-W-W-Why do I St-St-St-Stutter? The doctor replied, "It's because of your enormous penis." The man replied, "What C-C-C-Can we d-d-d-do about it?" The doctor replied, "We have to cut some of it." The man said, W-W-W-Well, I have t-t-t-to t-t-talk t-t-t-to my w-w-w-wife about that."
Later that day, the man returns to the doctor's office. "M-M-M-My w-w-w-wife says o-o-o-okay to the o-o-o-operation."
One month later, the man returns to see his doctor. "My wife liked my stutter better than my small penis. Can we reverse the surgery?'
The doctor replied, N-N-N-N-NO! N-N-N-N-Not p-p-p-p-possible, s-s-s-s-s-sir!
Later that day, the man returns to the doctor's office. "M-M-M-My w-w-w-wife says o-o-o-okay to the o-o-o-operation."
One month later, the man returns to see his doctor. "My wife liked my stutter better than my small penis. Can we reverse the surgery?'
The doctor replied, N-N-N-N-NO! N-N-N-N-Not p-p-p-p-possible, s-s-s-s-s-sir!
PEGGY SUE
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in, Fred," said Peggy Sue's mother. "So what are you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop or maybe talk a walk on the beach," answered Fred.
"Peggy Sue likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, Peggy Sue would screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," her mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the door shut behind her.
"It's THE TWIST, Mom, THE TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"Peggy Sue likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, Peggy Sue would screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," her mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the door shut behind her.
"It's THE TWIST, Mom, THE TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
MATH HOMEWORK
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The boy answers, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother went to see the teacher the next day. "What are teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them is two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The boy answers, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked. "Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother went to see the teacher the next day. "What are teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them is two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
WANT ADS
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.
About a week later her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he said. "You must be mistaken," she replied. "Let me explain," he said. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, how do I know you're any good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
About a week later her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he said. "You must be mistaken," she replied. "Let me explain," he said. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, how do I know you're any good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
NUNS IN HEAVEN
Three nuns have died and now find themselves at the Pearly Gates being greeted by St. Peter. "Hello, sisters, in order to get into Heaven you have one final task. You all must answer one question each to enter the Holy Gates of Heaven." The nuns look at each other and nod in agreement.
The first nun steps up, preparing herself for the question she has to answer for eternal life. St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She answers, "Adam, of course." Bells ring, angels sings, and the Gates of Heaven open. She walks through and they close behind her.
The second nun steps up and says, "Ok, I am ready." St. Peter asks, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" The second nun hides a small chuckle, in disbelief of the simple question, "Eve was the first woman on Earth." Bells ring, angels sings, and she passes through the Gates and they close behind her.
The third nun prepares herself for her question to follow her sisters to everlasting life. St. Peter clears his throat and asks, "What was Eve's first thought the first time she saw Adam naked?" She pauses, she thinks for awhile. Perplexed, she thinks out loud, Hmmm, that's a hard one. . ."
The bells rings, angels, sing, and the Gates of Heaven open up.
The first nun steps up, preparing herself for the question she has to answer for eternal life. St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She answers, "Adam, of course." Bells ring, angels sings, and the Gates of Heaven open. She walks through and they close behind her.
The second nun steps up and says, "Ok, I am ready." St. Peter asks, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" The second nun hides a small chuckle, in disbelief of the simple question, "Eve was the first woman on Earth." Bells ring, angels sings, and she passes through the Gates and they close behind her.
The third nun prepares herself for her question to follow her sisters to everlasting life. St. Peter clears his throat and asks, "What was Eve's first thought the first time she saw Adam naked?" She pauses, she thinks for awhile. Perplexed, she thinks out loud, Hmmm, that's a hard one. . ."
The bells rings, angels, sing, and the Gates of Heaven open up.
FLUCTUATIONS
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty! Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady said, "Fluc you white people too!"
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