THE OTHER SIDE

A blonde goes to her doctor for a checkup and the doctor tells her she needs to lose about twenty pounds. He tells her the quickest and best way to do that is to jog a mile straight from home every night. So she stops by Wal-Mart on her way home and buys a pair of running shoes and a jogging outfit.

After supper, she gears up and takes off running. However, she has only gone a half a mile when she gets to the river bank. Jogging in place, she looks up the river and she looks down the river but she doesn't see any way to cross over to the other side. She's concerned now that she's not going to be able to jog the whole mile straight from home like the doctor told her to do. Then she spots another blonde across the river and hollers, "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"

The other blonde yells back, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

THANK GOD!

A cop pulls and old man over in Chicago and says, "Sir, did you realize that your wife fell out of the car two blocks back when you rounded the corner?"

The old man said, "Thank God! I thought I'd suddenly been struck deaf!"

THE OLD LADY AND THE GENIE

An elderly woman who has lived alone in a big old rundown farmhouse for years is out picking up trash and other items in her yard when she stumbles across a very rusty and dirty bottle. She wipes the bottle with her apron and a genie appears from the bottle. "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle," he said. "I'm here to grant you three wishes."

She was stunned and she thought and thought but couldn't think of anything to wish for. Finally, sh asked if the genie could turn her old house into a beautiful mansion. Poof! In a flash, she was standing in front of the most fabulous home she had ever seen. She repeatedly thanked the genie for her new house. He told her she had two more wishes.

She thought long and hard and she finally said, "I guess I'd like enough money to live comfortably the rest of my days." Poof! In a flash, thousands of stacks of hundred dollar bills appeared on the porch. Again, she thanked the genie for his generosity. For her third wish, she asked the genie if he could make her young and beautiful again like she was when she was a young lady. Poof! In a flash, she was once again young and beautiful. And again, she thanked the genie profusely for her new-found fortunes.

The genie said, "Madam, you have been so kind and so appreciative that I am going to grant you one more wish before I leave." She looked around and around and finally, in a whisper, she asked the genie if he could turn her old hound dog in a young, handsome stud. Poof! Suddenly before her stands the most gorgeous man she has ever laid eyes on. He looked her straight in the eyes and said. . . . .

"Bet you wish now you'd never had me neutered!"

THE TEAPOT

A husband working at some odd jobs around his house discovered that a hinge on the bedroom closet door was broken. He asked his wife if she would run down to the local hardware store and have Bob, the clerk, sell her a new hinge. When she got to the hardware store, Bob was busy with a customer so she looked around the store a bit to see what all they had. She spotted a teapot on a shelf and thought to herself that it was about the prettiest teapot she's ever seen.

In a few minutes Bob came over and asked her if she needed any help. She told him that she needed to purchase a new hinge for the closet door. Then she asked about the teapot.

"It's a real beauty, isn't it?" said Bob. "It's all silver and costs $100." The woman replied, "Whew! That's a lot of money." Bob then went to get the hinge for her. He asked, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" And she said. . . . .

"No. But I would for the teapot!"

BUBBA AND EARL

Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Kentucky, were in their local Wal-Mart when they decided to get in on their local charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each of them had won a prize. Earl won first prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week had passed after they won their prizes when Earl met up with Bubba in town. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize and Earl replied, "Great! I love the spaghetti!" Earl then asked Bubba, "How 'bout you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so great," says Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

THE BLIND MAN

Two nuns are instructed to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two sisters decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint the room in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice on the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, open the door.

"Nice tits!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put these blinds?"

THE PET ALLIGATOR

A guy walked into a bar with his pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you all a deal. I'm going to open this alligator's mouth. Then I am going to put my genitals inside the gator's mouth. He will close his mouth for one minute. When he opens his mouth, I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd roared its approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After one minute, the man picked up a beer bottle and smashed it hard over the alligator's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was served.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone here $100 if they are willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 

A woman timidly spoke up, "Well, I'll try. But you have to promise not to hit me over the head with a beer bottle."

MARRIED 50 YEARS

An elderly couple have been married for 50 years. On the morning of their 50th anniversary, they are sitting at the dining room table having their breakfast. She looks up at her husband and said, "Remember 50 years ago today? We were having our breakfast just like this!" He said, "Yes, I remember, but I believe we sitting at that table both of us naked as jaybirds." 

She replied, "Yes, I remember. Would you like to recreate that moment today?" He agreed and they both stripped off all their clothes. She said breathlessly, "You know, honey, my nipples are just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

He replied, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

THE RECEPTIONIST AND THE OLD MAN

An older gentleman had an appointment to see his urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES. I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and  in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

The room erupted in applause.

THE BAPTIST PREACHER AND THE TEXAS COWBOY

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Dallas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me, too! I didn't know we had a choice!"