THE VENTRILOQUIST

A ventriloquist is onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are in the middle of spewing out one crude blonde joke after another when a blonde lady sitting in the audience suddenly stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to work harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair.

The ventriloquist replied, "Gosh, ma'am, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

The blonde responded, "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little asshole sitting on your knee."

DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAPES?

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk said no. Five minutes, later the duck comes back and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" and the clerk says no again. The duck comes back five minutes later and asks once again, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says, "No! And if you ask me again, I'll nail your feet the floor."

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk says no. The duck says, "Good! Do you have any grapes?"

SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looked very depressed. His buddy came in and asked him why he was so depressed and the farmer replied, "Y'know, some things you just can't explain. This morning I was out in the barn milkin' old Bessie. As soon as the bucket was just about full she kicked it over with her left foot, so I tied up her left to a post.

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it over with her right foot, so I tied the right one to a post, too. As soon as I finished milkin' Bessie a third time she knocked the bucket over with her tail, so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.

As I was tyin' up Bessie's tail with my belt, my pants fell down, then my wife came out to the barn, and. . . .well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

BLONDE IN LOUISIANA

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about how to properly pronounce the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, on of the tourists asked the blonde employee, "Before we order could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are. . . .very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiiiiiiing."

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

A farmer had three gorgeous daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. On by one the local boys came by to pick up the girls. The first boy arrived and said to the farmer, "Hi! I'm Eddie! I'm here for Betty. We're going steady! Is she ready?" The farmer called for Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

Then the second boy arrived and said to the farmer, "Hi! I'm Joe! I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer called for Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

Soon the third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup. He came to the door and said, "Hi! I'm Chuck!"

The farmer shot him.

A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

An elderly woman saw her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked her how she was feeling and she responded, "Just fine, doctor. Just fine." He asked if she had any complaints or any symptoms that would not go away.

She responded that she did pass an awful lot of gas but that they were always quiet and there was no foul odor, so it really didn't bother her. She said, "I've even passed gas a few times right here in this room this afternoon! But you didn't know it, did you Doctor, because you can't hear them or smell them!"

The doctor sat there patiently listening. When she was done he said, "Well, Mrs. Smith. I think we'll start today with getting that wax out of your ears and next week we'll have you come back and I'll do something about those plugged sinus cavities."

DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT

A doctor wanted to take a day off and go hunting and approached his male assistant. "Bob, I'm going hunting tomorrow and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients. "Yes, sir!" answers Bob.


The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Bob. How was your day? Bob told him that he had taken care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, and the second one?" asked the doctor. The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, doctor." "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, Bob. What about the third one?"


Well, doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door burst open and a woman entered. Quick as lightning, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and she lied down on the table." She spread her legs and shouted, "HELP ME! HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"


"Oh, my Lord," exclaimed the doctor. "What did you do?"


"I put some drops in her eyes."

TWO NUTS

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills, picking up hickory nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails and started to fill up their shirt and pants pockets. When they could hold no more nuts they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and divide up the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets, dumping all of the nuts in a big pile. In the process, two nuts rolled down near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide up the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." And so on.

As they were dividing up the nuts another boy walking by the cemetery happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but couldn't see the two boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to his house.

"Father, father," he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!!!" "What's the matter?" the father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!!!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stood at the side of the road and listened for a few moments. Then the father asked his son, "What's wrong?"

The boy whispered, "Do you hear that?" They both listened intently and heard the two scouts, "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

The boy then blurted out to his father, "The devil and God are dividing up the souls!!!" A few moments later, as the scouts completed dividing up the nuts, one scout said to the other, "As soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have 'em all!!"

IT'S THE PITS

Two construction workers are down in a pit digging out mud. It is pouring down rain and they are both soaked and filthy from all the mud. Both are complaining to each other about their working conditions. One of the guys says, "Y'know, I'm just a smart as that boss of ours. Probably smarter. Look at him, up there walkin' around with an umbrella and overshoes. He's not gettin' wet. He's not gettin' all muddy. Why, I could do his job!"

His buddy says, Well, why don't you go up and talk to him about it? Maybe he could use an assistant." The other guy says, "I think I will" and heads up to talk to the boss. He tells the boss he thinks he's just as smart as he is and could do his job just as well. The boss says, "Well, let's do a little test to see if you're smarter than me. I'm gonna hold my hand up in front of this tree. You rear back and hit my hand as hard as you can with your fist. If you hurt me, I'll go down in the pit and take your place and you can take mine." The guy agreed and let go with his punch. Just as he got within inches of his boss' hand, the boss moved his hand away and the guy slammed his first into the tree. "Oh, shit, that hurts!" yelled the man.

The boss says, "You're stupid. That's why you're down in the pit and I'm up here. Now get back down there and get to work." When the guy got back to work, his buddy asked what happened. He said, "Well, he tried to prove to me that I'm stupid, but I ain't. Here, I'll show you." 

"I'm gonna take this shovel and hold it in front of my face. You rear back and. . . ."

IRELAND

Two very overweight women enter an English pub and each orders a drink. A drunk sitting at the bar overhears them order and realizes they have an unusual dialect. He asks, "Are you ladies from Ireland?"

"Wales, you idiot!" was the reply he got.

"Oh, excuse me" he replied, "Are you whales from Ireland?"

COWBOY BOOTS

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?"Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look.

Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

 To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA

After returning from his honeymoon with his new bride, Virginia,  Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down." "What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'a forward to da trip. All was OK until we  got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

The conductor come 'a by, wag 'a his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag 'a his'a finger and say,  'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar." Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor,  he come'a through car yelling,

               

              "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA, NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA.""

NUDIST COLONY

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

SATAN GOES TO CHURCH

A few minutes before the services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from devil. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all of eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

 

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 57 years." 

SILVER ARROW

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horsey's. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, began hoisting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice the he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th." "No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

PIG STORY

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talkin' to the duck."

JACK & JILL

The owner of a small business has two employees, Jack and Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time. He has to let one go. But which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jill’s car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am going to have to lay you or Jack off. 

Jill says, "You're gonna have to jack off. I've got a terrible headache right now." 

TWO DRUNKS

Two drunks have just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog sitting on the curb licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think you ought to start by petting him first". 

CHILI

A guy sits down in a cafe' and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes the chili and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."

BRAN MUFFINS

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the

championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?” St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it

is free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter replied, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it and yelling loudly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damned bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" 

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband for his birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel IS $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

ALABAMA PROFESSOR

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" A dozen students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,

"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'Goats!'" 

SVEN & OLLIE GO TO CALIFORNIA

Sven and Ollie took a trip to California and went to the beach. Sven said, “Hey! Ollie, how are you gonna get dem girls to talk to you?”

 Ollie replied, “I heard dat if you put a potato in your shorts it helps.”

 Sven said, “Okay, but I’m not walking with you. You go that way and I’ll meet you here in an hour.”

An hour later:

“Ollie, did you have much luck?” asked Sven. Ollie replied, “Yah, here we’ve been invited to three parties tonight. How ‘bout you?” Sven said, “No, in fact everyone seemed to move away from me.”

Ollie said, “Vell, let me see. Oh, Sven! You need to put da potato in da front!”

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?' He said, 'I want 5 loaves.' She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'


He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.'

SHINGLES

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had.  Bubba said, “Shingles.”  So she wrote down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.”  So she wrote down his height, weight and got his
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said,  “Shingles.”  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.”  The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, “Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??”