SNAIL'S PACE

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by a couple of turtles? The police asked the snail if he got a good look and the two turtles who did this. The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast!"

BESSIE

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. 

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes!" replied the man. "Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a damn thing about cars."

THE PRIEST AND THE LITTLE BOY

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy struggle for a few moments, the priest steps across the street, walks up behind the little boy, places his hand kindly on the little boy's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the boy's level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, little fellow"? To which the boy replies, "Now we run like hell!"

VIAGRA AT WAL-MART

A middle aged man walks into Wal-Mart and heads for the pharmacy counter where he asks to speak to a pharmacist. A young blond pharmacist asks the man what she can do to help him. The man looks around furtively and asks, "Do you sell Viagra here?" The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." Then the man asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps. If you took five or six pills at once you might."

TWO BROTHERS

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were always getting into trouble. Their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about the boys' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he though they should send their boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper."

The clergyman agreed to speak to the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went in first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy did not respond so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner voice. "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys' face. "WHERE IS GOD?" At that point the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, hiding himself in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and ask what had happened. The younger brother said, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything backwards," said the first doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He nearly died on us."

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh, shit," said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

THE TREE

Bubba pulled the car over by the side of the road and showed his buddy Earl where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. We were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," recalled Bubba.

"That sounds wonderful," said Earl. "Yes it was," replied Bubba, "Until I looked up and notice her ma was standin' right there watchin' us." "Oh my God!" said Earl. "What did her ma say when she saw you makin' love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa. . . . ."

WHO ARE YOU?

I rear-ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car and he was a friggin' DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

THEM CADILLAC PEOPLE

A man and his wife are driving through the United States on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decides to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later he spots a Mobil station and pulls up to the high octane pump.

"What can I for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this, mister?" he asks. "I ain't never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest filling with pride, "This, my boy, is a brand new 2013 Cadillac."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, GPS system, and, best of all, an 8.8 liter V8 engine." "Wow, that's really somethin'!" replies the attendant.

The tank is full and the attendant replaces the hose. "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $50.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off two 20s and a 10 dollar bill, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are them little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," replied the customer. "Wow! says the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything, don't they?"

ACME SLINGSHOT

CLOSE SHAVE

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, the man mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and your gum." The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the man asks, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone elses does."

A BLONDE AND HER BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, the car is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do THAT?"

IN THE GARDEN

A beautiful young woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman in the neighborhood who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked him what he did to get his tomatoes so red. The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was very impressed and decided to try doing the same thing to her tomatoes to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day, the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"

KERMIT JAGGER

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation", said the frog. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay because he knows the bank manager personally. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "Sir, there's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny elephant and says, "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says. . . . ."It's a knicknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone!"

WABBITS

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in a thick lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you thell wittle wabbits?" The shopkeeper gets down on his knees so he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl put her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally givth a thit!"

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED. . .

A man comes home from work and tells his wife he's sorry that he forgot her birthday but he'll buy her a nice present and give it her tomorrow. She says, "Well, if you really love me you'll bring me something that will go from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." The husband says "Ok".

The next day he comes home from work and tells his wife her present is in the driveway. She excitedly runs outside to the driveway. . . . .and finds a bathroom scale.

HOW THE FIGHT CONTINUED. . . .

Getting ready for bed that night the wife said, "Honey, just look at me. My legs are heavy, my thighs are getting big, and my boobs are starting to sag. I could really use a compliment right now!"

Her husband replied, "You have really good eyesight!"

WALK ON WATER

A Methodist minister, a Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbi were out in the boat fishing one morning when the minister had to go to the bathroom. He left the boat, walked across the top of the lake, and went into the woods to take care of business. Awhile later, the preacher also had to go to the bathroom. He also left the boat and walked across the top of the lake and soon returned.

No to be outdone, the rabbi said, "I'm afraid I have to go to the bathroom, too." He left the boat and immediately sunk to the bottom of the lake. The minister looked at the preacher and said, "We really should have told him where the rocks are."

NEW SHOES

A blonde walked into a shoe store and tried on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asked the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replied the blonde. The clerk promptly bent down and had a look at the shoes and the blonde's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offered the clerk.

"Nath, theyth thtill feelth a bith tighth," said the blonde, holding onto her tongue.

UGLY BABY

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming about what the bus driver said. An elderly man sitting next to her asked what was wrong. She replied, "The bus driver just insulted me!"

The old man said, "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead. I'll watch your little monkey for you."

HER FIRST FOOTBALL GAME

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles but I just can't figure out why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked her what she meant. 

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like, hello??!! It's only 25 cents!"

HOLY SHIT

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The graveside funeral was to be held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were still eating lunch so the pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place. He poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say to the other worker, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain't never seen anything like that before! Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Shit, don't it?"

NEW DEODORANT

I got this new deodorant at Wal-Mart earlier today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."

I can barely walk and it hurts to sit down, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!

GREAT PERSONALITY

Two police officers knock on the door and when the man of the house answers, one of the officers holds up a picture and asks, "Is this your wife, sir?"

"Yes, it is," the man answers.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus," the officer tells him.

"I know," the man answers, "but she has a great personality."

BLONDE IN A BOOKSTORE

A blonde walked into a bookstore and approached a clerk. "I'm looking for a book about men with small penises, but I forgot the name," she said.

The clerk thought for a moment and then said, "I don't think it's in yet."

The blonde replied, "Yes, that's the title!"

NEW BATTERIES

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through the old lady leans over and says to her husband, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

NURSE JENNY

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards," said one of the doctors. "Just last week I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!" The guy damned near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh, my God!" said the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

FIRST DATE

Bubba pulled the car over by the side of the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day real well. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," recalled Bubba.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes, it was until I looked up and noticed her ma was standin' right there watchin' us."

"Oh, my God! What did her ma say when she saw you makin' love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa...."

NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Jamaica found a secluded beach and decided to strip off all their clothes and get an all-over tan. Unfortunately, they both fell asleep and when they finally woke up they had sunburned everything.

That night they could neither one fall asleep. He, especially, was in a lot of pain. His dick was burned beet red and throbbing. About two in the morning he finally went out to the kitchenette, poured a cold glass of milk, and dunked his willie in it.

All of a sudden the lights came on and there stood his new bride. She looked at him for a moment, his dick still in the glass of milk, and then said, "Hmmm! I always wondered how you guys loaded those things!"

CHINESE DETECTIVE

A husband suspected that his wife was cheating so he called a detective agency to have her followed. The agency said they would send over their best PI. Soon, a little Chinaman appeared at his front door and told the man he was the detective he'd been expecting.

The husband was very skeptical and doubted that this little guy could do him much good. The Chinaman told him he would have all the answers for him in 48 hours and took off with a picture of the wife in tow.

Two days later, the detective showed back up at the husband's front door. When he opened the door, the man was shocked to see the Chinaman's condition. He was dirty, his clothes were torn, he had bruises and scratches on his arms and face, his hair was a mess, and his glasses were bent out of shape.

The man said, "I should have known better that to hire you! What in the hell happened? Her boyfriend caught you and beat the shit out of you, right?"

The Chinaman calmly said, "No, no. Let me tell." So the husband listened intently as the little guy said:

"Me follow she.
She meet he.
He take her home.
He take her inside.
He take her upstairs to bedroom.
I climb tree to get better look.
He take off her clothes.
She take of his clothes.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tree."

MAGIC BEER

A guy walks into a drinking establishment on the 10th floor of an office building and sits down at the bar. The bartender asks him what he'll have. He asked the guy seated next to him what he was drinking. The man replied, "It's magic beer."

"What's magic beer?" The man explained that it has magical powers. "After drinking one mug of magic beer, you'll be able to jump out that window, fly all around the city, and fly back in the window for another magic beer."

The guy said, "I'll have what he's having!" After he finished his beer, he went over to the window and jumped out. He fell straight down. . .10 floors. . .SPLAT!

The bartender looked over at the other guy and said, Y'know, you're a real jackass when you're drunk, Superman!"

WEAWY WOUSY

A young man is fixed up on a blind date and makes arrangements to meet the girl at the front gate at the county fair. They walk through the fairgrounds for awhile and she doesn't speak, not one word. He finally asks her if there is something she'd like to do. "I want to get weighed," she replies. So her finds a scale, has her get on, and tells her that she weighs 117 pounds.

Then they walk around the fair some more, ride a few rides, but she's still not talking. He asks her, "Is there anything else you'd like to do?" She replies, "I want to get weighed!" He takes her back to the scale, has her get on and tells her once again that she weighs 117 pounds.

Again, they walk around the fairgrounds; she's still not talking. He asks a third time what she would like to do. More emphatically, she says, "I want to get weighed!" He takes her back to the scale a third time, picks her up and puts her on the scale, and says, "You STILL weigh 117 pounds! I'm sorry but I'm having a really lousy time and I think it's best if I call you a cab and we call this whole thing off."

A few minutes later, the cab drops her off in front of her apartment. As she enters the apartment, her roommate Barbara excitedly asks her, "Did you have a good time?"

The girl replies, "NO! Weawy wousy, Babawa! I didn't get waid!"

THE BLONDE & THE COFFEE MAKER

When they got married, a man bought his wife, a blonde, one of those fancy electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. The salesman explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later she is back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "It's wonderful!" she exclaimed. "However, there is one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go back to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

24 HOURS

A doctor calls his patient, an old woman, and says, "I have bad news and worse news. "Oh, dear," said the woman. "What's the bad news?"

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"Oh my, that's terrible," said the patient. "How can your other news possibly be worse?"

The doctor said, "I've been trying to get you on the phone since this time yesterday!"

PIRATES

A Navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt. The First Mate asked the captain, "Why do you need a red shirt?" The captain replies, "So that when I bleed, the men won't notice and don't become discouraged." Eventually, they fight off the pirates.

The very next day, the captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are approaching their boat. He yells, "Get me my brown pants!"

TALCUM POWDER

A teenager walked into a drug store and asked the pharmacist where the talcum powder was.

The pharmacist said, "Walk this way."

The boy said, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"

NORTH DAKOTA

Two brothers made a pact that which ever one died first, he would come back on the first anniversary of his death and tell his brother what the afterlife was like. The older brother soon passed away and his brother waited anxiously for the first year to be up. Sure to his word, on the anniversary of his death the older brother appeared.

He told all about his new life. "Every day is the same. I can sleep as late as I want. I can have sex with any female I want. And I can eat anything I want. Most days I wake up around 10 in the morning, pick out a female and have sex with her, then it's time for lunch. Then I take a nap in the afternoon, wake up and pick out another female and have sex with her. Then it's time for supper. After that I have sex again with some new female. Then it's bedtime. The next day I wake up and it all starts over again."

His brother exclaimed, "My God! I've heard that Heaven is wonderful but I never dreamed it could be like this!"

The dead brother responded, "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven! I'm a buffalo in North Dakota!"

ANOTHER NORTH DAKOTA STORY

Ollie is a dairy farmer in Minnesota. One morning he goes out to the barn and finds his best dairy cow dead. He must replace her or start to lose a lot of money. So he goes back to the farmhouse to the read the ads in the Farmers Journal. He finds a milk cow for sale a couple of hours west of him in North Dakota. He calls the number in the ad and makes arrangements to come over and see the cow.

Once there, the farmer takes Ollie out to the barn to see the cow. On the way he says, "Yah, she's a fine milker, she is. And only $150.00." Ollie looks her all over and then says, "Ya mind if I try her out?" So he sat down on the stool and began to milk her. However, every time that he pulled on the cow's teats, she farts. Ollie said, "Yah, I don't like dat so much." The farmer said, "Yah, but after awhile ya get used to it and it don't bodder ya so much den." Ollie said, "Well, I really need a good milk cow so I guess I'll take 'er den."

So Ollie loads up the cow and heads home to Minnesota. Once he gets the cow into his barn, he calls his best friend Sven to come over and see his new purchase. Sven takes a look at the cow and says, "Yah, Ollie, you got yerself a new milk cow." Ollie decides to have some fun with Sven and asks him if wants to give her a try.

So Ollie sits down and pulls on the cow. Pfffttt! Every time Sven pulls down the cow passes more gas. Ollie can hardly contain himself and says in between laughs, "Sven, I bet ya can't guess where dis cow come from!" Sven replied, "Ya got dis cow in North Dakota!" Ollie is flabbergasted and says, "How'd ya know dat, Sven?"

Sven says, "My wife's from North Dakota, don't ya know!"

DONALD DUCK

Donald Duck had made a date with Daisy and on the way to her house stopped at the drug store to buy a pack of condoms. The pharmacist helped Donald pick out just the right kind and then asked Donald, "Shall I put them on your bill?"

To which Donald replied, "What kind of a duck do you think I am?"

THE CHIEF AND THE MISSIONARY

A missionary was in Africa to introduce the natives to Christianity and to the English language. One afternoon, he was walking in the jungle with the tribal chief, who would point out various items and want to know the English word. The chief pointed to a bush and the missionary replied, "In America we call that a bush". The chief replied, "Mmm. . .bush." This went on for quite awhile when all of sudden they stumbled upon a young couple making love. The chief stopped dead in his tracks and pointed. The missionary, obviously flustered, tried to think of something appropriate to say. Finally, he said, "Chief, in America we call that 'riding a bicycle'". 

The chief pulled out his dart gun, loaded it, and blew a large dart directly into the couple, killing both of them instantly. Shocked, the missionary yelled, "Chief, why did you do THAT?"

The chief pointed to the young woman and said, "My bicycle".

DAMNED CHEERIOS

Two little brothers decided they would sound more grown-up if they started swearing. They went downstairs one morning for breakfast and their mother asked them what they wanted to eat. The older boy said, "Aw, hell, just give me some damned Cheerios." His mother picked him up by the collar, swatted his rear end a few times, and sent him to his room and told him to stay there and think about what just happened.

Then she turned to the younger one and said, "What are you having for breakfast, young man?" He replied, "Well, you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be none of them damned Cheerios!"

VISIT TO THE BARBER

A little girl goes with her daddy when he goes to the barber shop for his haircut. When the barber gets ready to cut the man's hair, he gives the little girl some candy to hopefully keep her occupied. But the girl is standing right in the barber's way watching her daddy get his haircut. Every time the barber turns around the little girl is there. He finally says to her, "Honey you're going to get hair on your lollipop."

She replied, "I know! And I'm gonna get boobies someday, too!"

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late again!" the third grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny as he walked into class three hours late. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm so late is cause my Daddy sleeps naked."

Now, Miss Russell has taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her mounting fear, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here lowdown old fox. The last few nights, he done ate six of our hens. Last night when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and said to my Ma, 'That dern fox is back again. . .I'm a gonna git him! Stay back!' Daddy whispered to all us kids.

My Daddy was naked as a jaybird - no boots, no pants, no shirt. He crawled out to the henhouse just like an Injun on the prowl. Then he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness with that fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!

Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

BIG CHIEF

A young Indian scout comes riding into town from the prairie and runs straight to the town doctor. Out of breath and distraught, he interrupts the doctor who is tending to another patient and says to him. "Big chief, no fart! Big chief no fart!" The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, your Indian chief has gas! Here, take these two pills with you back to the prairie and tell your chief to take them. That should fix his illness." And with that, the scout returned to the prairie. The next day the Indian scout came riding back into town and again ran to the town doctor, still frantic, and when he got to the doctor he pleaded once again. "Big chief no fart! Big chief no fart!" The doctor looked puzzled. "Hmm. Those pills didn’t help? He must have a more severe case of gas than I originally thought. Go back to your chief and tell him to take FOUR more of these." He handed the scout four more pills and the scout took off like a shot, back to the prairie. 

The next day the Indian scout came riding into town again, faster than ever! He ran up to the doctor and began yelling gibberish that the doctor couldn’t understand. The doctor began to calm him down, "Whoa, whoa there. Calm down. What’s the problem? Still ’Big Chief no fart’"? The scout looks him in the eyes and says, "Big fart, no chief!"

SHOPPING AT WAL-MART

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00." 

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

FASCINATE

Recess is over and the class is about to study English and Grammar. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word FASCINATE in a sentence. Little Johnny in the back row immediately raises his hand. The teacher, however, has been blind-sided by Johnny too many times before, and refuses to call on him. Finally, a little girl in the front raised her hand and said, "My Daddy took me to the zoo last Sunday to see all the fascinating animals." The teacher replied, "That's a variation of the word fascinate but it's not the word itself. Can anyone else use fascinate in a sentence?" A little boy said, "I watched a show about spaceships last night and I was fascinated." The teacher replied, " Well, again, that's a version of the word fascinate but not the actual word. Isn't there anyone who can use fascinate in a sentence?" No one answered but Little Johnny was eagerly holding his hand up.
The teacher had no choice but to call on him.

"Yes, Johnny, can you use the word fascinate in a sentence?" she asked. "Yes, teacher! My Aunt Betty got a new sweater for her birthday. It's got ten buttons on it but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"

The teacher fainted.

THE JAR

An old couple went to see their doctor. When the doctor asked what the problem was, the old lady responded, "He doesn't satisfy me in bed anymore." The doctor suggested the couple provide him with a specimen so he could take a sperm count and he sent the couple home with a glass jar.

They returned to the doctor's office a few days later with the jar still empty. The doctor asked if there was a problem in providing the specimen. The old man replied, "Well, doctor, I'm sorry. I tried it with my left hand and I tried it with my right hand. Then the wife tried it with her left hand and she tried it with her right hand. Nothing happened. I held on to it while the old lady tried it with both hands. Hell, she even took out her false teeth and tried it with her gums. I'm awful sorry, doctor, but we just can't get the damn lid off your jar!"

IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE

A woman gives birth to twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One of the boys is adopted by a couple in Egypt and he is given the name Ahmal. The other boy is adopted by Spanish parents and is given the name Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of her other son as well. 

Her husband replies, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

YOU ARE 47

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but hold old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the main said, feeling really happy.

Next he goes into McDonald's for lunch. He asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look like you're about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Since there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let the old woman slip her hand down the front of his pants. Two minutes later she says, "OK, I'm done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replied, " I was standing right behind you at McDonalds."

COORS BEER

A husband and wife are shopping at Costco when the man picks up a case of Coors Lite and puts it in the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "He replies, "They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans." "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they continue on shopping.

A few aisles later the wife picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it into the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks her husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she replies.

The man says, "So does 24 cans of Coors Lite and it's half the price!"

THE PENGUIN

A penguin is driving his car out west one hot summer day when he notices the oil light come on and, sure enough, the car is leaking oil all over the place. He pulls into the first service station he can find and asks the mechanic how long it would take to fix the car. The mechanic said he had a few other cars to look at first, but he should be done in about an hour. The penguin agrees and decides to go uptown and look around.

Finding an ice cream shop, the penguin goes inside and thinks, "Boy, a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would sure taste good right now." So he sits down at the counter and orders the biggest bowl of ice cream that the shop has.

Scarfing it all down, the penguin returns to the garage with an ice cream mustache and asks the mechanic, "Did you find out what's wrong with my car?" "Looks like you've blown a seal," replied the mechanic.

"Oh, that! No, I just really love vanilla ice cream!" replied the penguin.

BRAZILIAN

A blonde was sitting in a cafeteria engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines read "12 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED". She shook her head and began to cry. She turned to the man seated next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian anyway?"

GO FLY A KITE

A husband is in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries a few more times with no success. His wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

THE OTHER SIDE

A blonde goes to her doctor for a checkup and the doctor tells her she needs to lose about twenty pounds. He tells her the quickest and best way to do that is to jog a mile straight from home every night. So she stops by Wal-Mart on her way home and buys a pair of running shoes and a jogging outfit.

After supper, she gears up and takes off running. However, she has only gone a half a mile when she gets to the river bank. Jogging in place, she looks up the river and she looks down the river but she doesn't see any way to cross over to the other side. She's concerned now that she's not going to be able to jog the whole mile straight from home like the doctor told her to do. Then she spots another blonde across the river and hollers, "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"

The other blonde yells back, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

THANK GOD!

A cop pulls and old man over in Chicago and says, "Sir, did you realize that your wife fell out of the car two blocks back when you rounded the corner?"

The old man said, "Thank God! I thought I'd suddenly been struck deaf!"

THE OLD LADY AND THE GENIE

An elderly woman who has lived alone in a big old rundown farmhouse for years is out picking up trash and other items in her yard when she stumbles across a very rusty and dirty bottle. She wipes the bottle with her apron and a genie appears from the bottle. "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle," he said. "I'm here to grant you three wishes."

She was stunned and she thought and thought but couldn't think of anything to wish for. Finally, sh asked if the genie could turn her old house into a beautiful mansion. Poof! In a flash, she was standing in front of the most fabulous home she had ever seen. She repeatedly thanked the genie for her new house. He told her she had two more wishes.

She thought long and hard and she finally said, "I guess I'd like enough money to live comfortably the rest of my days." Poof! In a flash, thousands of stacks of hundred dollar bills appeared on the porch. Again, she thanked the genie for his generosity. For her third wish, she asked the genie if he could make her young and beautiful again like she was when she was a young lady. Poof! In a flash, she was once again young and beautiful. And again, she thanked the genie profusely for her new-found fortunes.

The genie said, "Madam, you have been so kind and so appreciative that I am going to grant you one more wish before I leave." She looked around and around and finally, in a whisper, she asked the genie if he could turn her old hound dog in a young, handsome stud. Poof! Suddenly before her stands the most gorgeous man she has ever laid eyes on. He looked her straight in the eyes and said. . . . .

"Bet you wish now you'd never had me neutered!"

THE TEAPOT

A husband working at some odd jobs around his house discovered that a hinge on the bedroom closet door was broken. He asked his wife if she would run down to the local hardware store and have Bob, the clerk, sell her a new hinge. When she got to the hardware store, Bob was busy with a customer so she looked around the store a bit to see what all they had. She spotted a teapot on a shelf and thought to herself that it was about the prettiest teapot she's ever seen.

In a few minutes Bob came over and asked her if she needed any help. She told him that she needed to purchase a new hinge for the closet door. Then she asked about the teapot.

"It's a real beauty, isn't it?" said Bob. "It's all silver and costs $100." The woman replied, "Whew! That's a lot of money." Bob then went to get the hinge for her. He asked, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" And she said. . . . .

"No. But I would for the teapot!"

BUBBA AND EARL

Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Kentucky, were in their local Wal-Mart when they decided to get in on their local charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each of them had won a prize. Earl won first prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week had passed after they won their prizes when Earl met up with Bubba in town. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize and Earl replied, "Great! I love the spaghetti!" Earl then asked Bubba, "How 'bout you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so great," says Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

THE BLIND MAN

Two nuns are instructed to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two sisters decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint the room in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice on the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, open the door.

"Nice tits!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put these blinds?"

THE PET ALLIGATOR

A guy walked into a bar with his pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you all a deal. I'm going to open this alligator's mouth. Then I am going to put my genitals inside the gator's mouth. He will close his mouth for one minute. When he opens his mouth, I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd roared its approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After one minute, the man picked up a beer bottle and smashed it hard over the alligator's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was served.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone here $100 if they are willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 

A woman timidly spoke up, "Well, I'll try. But you have to promise not to hit me over the head with a beer bottle."

MARRIED 50 YEARS

An elderly couple have been married for 50 years. On the morning of their 50th anniversary, they are sitting at the dining room table having their breakfast. She looks up at her husband and said, "Remember 50 years ago today? We were having our breakfast just like this!" He said, "Yes, I remember, but I believe we sitting at that table both of us naked as jaybirds." 

She replied, "Yes, I remember. Would you like to recreate that moment today?" He agreed and they both stripped off all their clothes. She said breathlessly, "You know, honey, my nipples are just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

He replied, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

THE RECEPTIONIST AND THE OLD MAN

An older gentleman had an appointment to see his urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES. I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and  in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

The room erupted in applause.

THE BAPTIST PREACHER AND THE TEXAS COWBOY

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Dallas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me, too! I didn't know we had a choice!"

THE VENTRILOQUIST

A ventriloquist is onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are in the middle of spewing out one crude blonde joke after another when a blonde lady sitting in the audience suddenly stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to work harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair.

The ventriloquist replied, "Gosh, ma'am, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

The blonde responded, "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little asshole sitting on your knee."

DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAPES?

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk said no. Five minutes, later the duck comes back and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" and the clerk says no again. The duck comes back five minutes later and asks once again, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says, "No! And if you ask me again, I'll nail your feet the floor."

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk says no. The duck says, "Good! Do you have any grapes?"

SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looked very depressed. His buddy came in and asked him why he was so depressed and the farmer replied, "Y'know, some things you just can't explain. This morning I was out in the barn milkin' old Bessie. As soon as the bucket was just about full she kicked it over with her left foot, so I tied up her left to a post.

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it over with her right foot, so I tied the right one to a post, too. As soon as I finished milkin' Bessie a third time she knocked the bucket over with her tail, so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.

As I was tyin' up Bessie's tail with my belt, my pants fell down, then my wife came out to the barn, and. . . .well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

BLONDE IN LOUISIANA

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about how to properly pronounce the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, on of the tourists asked the blonde employee, "Before we order could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are. . . .very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiiiiiiing."

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

A farmer had three gorgeous daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. On by one the local boys came by to pick up the girls. The first boy arrived and said to the farmer, "Hi! I'm Eddie! I'm here for Betty. We're going steady! Is she ready?" The farmer called for Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

Then the second boy arrived and said to the farmer, "Hi! I'm Joe! I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer called for Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

Soon the third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup. He came to the door and said, "Hi! I'm Chuck!"

The farmer shot him.

A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR

An elderly woman saw her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked her how she was feeling and she responded, "Just fine, doctor. Just fine." He asked if she had any complaints or any symptoms that would not go away.

She responded that she did pass an awful lot of gas but that they were always quiet and there was no foul odor, so it really didn't bother her. She said, "I've even passed gas a few times right here in this room this afternoon! But you didn't know it, did you Doctor, because you can't hear them or smell them!"

The doctor sat there patiently listening. When she was done he said, "Well, Mrs. Smith. I think we'll start today with getting that wax out of your ears and next week we'll have you come back and I'll do something about those plugged sinus cavities."

DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT

A doctor wanted to take a day off and go hunting and approached his male assistant. "Bob, I'm going hunting tomorrow and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients. "Yes, sir!" answers Bob.


The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Bob. How was your day? Bob told him that he had taken care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, and the second one?" asked the doctor. The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, doctor." "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, Bob. What about the third one?"


Well, doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door burst open and a woman entered. Quick as lightning, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and she lied down on the table." She spread her legs and shouted, "HELP ME! HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"


"Oh, my Lord," exclaimed the doctor. "What did you do?"


"I put some drops in her eyes."

TWO NUTS

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills, picking up hickory nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails and started to fill up their shirt and pants pockets. When they could hold no more nuts they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and divide up the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets, dumping all of the nuts in a big pile. In the process, two nuts rolled down near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide up the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." And so on.

As they were dividing up the nuts another boy walking by the cemetery happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but couldn't see the two boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to his house.

"Father, father," he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!!!" "What's the matter?" the father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!!!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stood at the side of the road and listened for a few moments. Then the father asked his son, "What's wrong?"

The boy whispered, "Do you hear that?" They both listened intently and heard the two scouts, "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

The boy then blurted out to his father, "The devil and God are dividing up the souls!!!" A few moments later, as the scouts completed dividing up the nuts, one scout said to the other, "As soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have 'em all!!"

IT'S THE PITS

Two construction workers are down in a pit digging out mud. It is pouring down rain and they are both soaked and filthy from all the mud. Both are complaining to each other about their working conditions. One of the guys says, "Y'know, I'm just a smart as that boss of ours. Probably smarter. Look at him, up there walkin' around with an umbrella and overshoes. He's not gettin' wet. He's not gettin' all muddy. Why, I could do his job!"

His buddy says, Well, why don't you go up and talk to him about it? Maybe he could use an assistant." The other guy says, "I think I will" and heads up to talk to the boss. He tells the boss he thinks he's just as smart as he is and could do his job just as well. The boss says, "Well, let's do a little test to see if you're smarter than me. I'm gonna hold my hand up in front of this tree. You rear back and hit my hand as hard as you can with your fist. If you hurt me, I'll go down in the pit and take your place and you can take mine." The guy agreed and let go with his punch. Just as he got within inches of his boss' hand, the boss moved his hand away and the guy slammed his first into the tree. "Oh, shit, that hurts!" yelled the man.

The boss says, "You're stupid. That's why you're down in the pit and I'm up here. Now get back down there and get to work." When the guy got back to work, his buddy asked what happened. He said, "Well, he tried to prove to me that I'm stupid, but I ain't. Here, I'll show you." 

"I'm gonna take this shovel and hold it in front of my face. You rear back and. . . ."

IRELAND

Two very overweight women enter an English pub and each orders a drink. A drunk sitting at the bar overhears them order and realizes they have an unusual dialect. He asks, "Are you ladies from Ireland?"

"Wales, you idiot!" was the reply he got.

"Oh, excuse me" he replied, "Are you whales from Ireland?"

COWBOY BOOTS

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?"Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look.

Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

 To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA

After returning from his honeymoon with his new bride, Virginia,  Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down." "What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'a forward to da trip. All was OK until we  got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

The conductor come 'a by, wag 'a his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag 'a his'a finger and say,  'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar." Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor,  he come'a through car yelling,

               

              "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA, NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA.""

NUDIST COLONY

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long."

SATAN GOES TO CHURCH

A few minutes before the services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from devil. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all of eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

 

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 57 years." 

SILVER ARROW

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horsey's. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, began hoisting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice the he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th." "No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

PIG STORY

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talkin' to the duck."

JACK & JILL

The owner of a small business has two employees, Jack and Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time. He has to let one go. But which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jill’s car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am going to have to lay you or Jack off. 

Jill says, "You're gonna have to jack off. I've got a terrible headache right now." 

TWO DRUNKS

Two drunks have just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog sitting on the curb licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think you ought to start by petting him first". 

CHILI

A guy sits down in a cafe' and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes the chili and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too."

BRAN MUFFINS

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the

championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?” St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it

is free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter replied, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it and yelling loudly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damned bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" 

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband for his birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00."
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel IS $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."