A young guy from Texas moves to New York City and goes into a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replied that he had been a salesman back home in Texas. The boss like the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
The first day on the job was rough but the kid got through it. After the store was locked up for the night, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The guy said, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$201,237.64." The boss asks him what the heck he sold.
"Well, this guy comes in. First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a large fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast. So I told him he was gonna need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes could pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"The kid says, "Naw, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said 'your weekend's already shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her adult life finally retired. Before her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medications that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized that she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." The doctor replied, Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. . .and, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night!"
As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized that she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." The doctor replied, Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. . .and, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night!"
NICE MAN BECOMES IMPATIENT
A man was riding on a bus minding his own business when a gorgeous woman seated next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man sitting next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so the mother said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The baby still refused and the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid! Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off this bus four stops ago!"
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so the mother said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The baby still refused and the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid! Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off this bus four stops ago!"
THE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is lying on his death bed. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Giudo, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" asked Guido.
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runnin' da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a coupla bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, 'Times up'?"
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" asked Guido.
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runnin' da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a coupla bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, 'Times up'?"
A RIDE IN A TAXI
A woman and her 12 year old son were riding in a taxi in downtown Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," asked the boy, what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work, "she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth. They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The boy's eyes get wide and he asks, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies what happens to them?
His mother replied, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth. They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The boy's eyes get wide and he asks, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies what happens to them?
His mother replied, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
BIOLOGY EXAM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's milk." The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard pressed to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the baby
2) It provides immunity against several diseases
3) It is always the right temperature
4) It is inexpensive
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available, as needed.
And then the student was stuck. He could not come up with a seventh advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat cannot get to it.
He got an A.
1) It is perfect formula for the baby
2) It provides immunity against several diseases
3) It is always the right temperature
4) It is inexpensive
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available, as needed.
And then the student was stuck. He could not come up with a seventh advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat cannot get to it.
He got an A.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
BUDWEISER
A husband and wife are shopping in their local grocery store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"
"Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"
THE MARRIED MAN
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overtook them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they both fell asleep and awoke around 8 o'clock that night. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I cannot lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock.
His wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying son-of-a-bitch! You've been playing golf again!"
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I cannot lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock.
His wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying son-of-a-bitch! You've been playing golf again!"
I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK
Johnny finally makes it to college. On the first day, his female psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object then describe the object and tell her what it is.
First, she calls on Kyle who says, "I feel something big, round and bumpy. It's a globe!" The professor says, "Very good, Kyle! I like the way you think."
Next, she calls on Suzie who says, "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!" The professor says, "Very good, Suzie! I like the way you think."
Finally, she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket and, with a creepy smile, says, "Teacher, I feel something round and hard and it has a head on it!" The professor interrupts him, shouting, "Johnny, that's disgusting!"
Johnny replies, "It's a quarter, teacher! But I like the way you think!"
First, she calls on Kyle who says, "I feel something big, round and bumpy. It's a globe!" The professor says, "Very good, Kyle! I like the way you think."
Next, she calls on Suzie who says, "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!" The professor says, "Very good, Suzie! I like the way you think."
Finally, she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket and, with a creepy smile, says, "Teacher, I feel something round and hard and it has a head on it!" The professor interrupts him, shouting, "Johnny, that's disgusting!"
Johnny replies, "It's a quarter, teacher! But I like the way you think!"
RED TOMATOES
A mature, well-educated woman loved her vegetable garden and particularly growing tomatoes but she couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman in the neighborhood who had the most beautiful garden full of bright red tomatoes.
The woman asked the man, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange, but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. Somebody else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work."
The lady thanked the man and as she walked away she thinks to herself that this is absolutely ridiculous, but at the same time she is impressed. She decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "So, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
The woman asked the man, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange, but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. Somebody else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work."
The lady thanked the man and as she walked away she thinks to herself that this is absolutely ridiculous, but at the same time she is impressed. She decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "So, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"
Saturday, July 4, 2015
GIVE THE BALLERINA A DRINK
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit. As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar, she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me, buddy, it's your business if you wanna by the lady a drink but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me, buddy, it's your business if you wanna by the lady a drink but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
BIRTHDAY PRESENT
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation. He was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You should only take a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The husband was very eager to see if the potion really worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You should only take a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The husband was very eager to see if the potion really worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off all his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
MATH PROBLEM SOLVED
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" his mother asked. "Yes, Mommy," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now we are learning addition." "The mother asked, "Are you really teaching the children to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mommy." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" his mother asked. "Yes, Mommy," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now we are learning addition." "The mother asked, "Are you really teaching the children to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four."
READY TO END IT ALL
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean but just before she could throw herself from the docks a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard ship and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. " He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.
"I see," said the captain.
Her conscience having gotten the best of her, she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard ship and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. " He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.
"I see," said the captain.
Her conscience having gotten the best of her, she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
RAISIN BREAD
A young blonde woman working in a bakery oversleeps one morning and, realizing she'll be late for work, throws on last night's clothes before rushing out the door to work. On the way to work, she really started to regret her outfit; her skirt was way too short and her underwear left nothing to the imagination.
Reaching work, her manager asked her to immediately climb up the ladder and grab some raisin bread off the top shelf. Reaching up to get it, she immediately felt a draft on her thighs and cursed herself for not wearing a longer skirt.
Upon reaching the bottom of the ladder, another customer immediately asked for raisin bread. And another. . .and another, until there was a small crowd of men watching her with excitement as she climbed up and down the ladder. As she reached the top of the ladder for what must have been the twentieth time, she heard the tinkle of the door opening and looked down to see an old man staring at her privates in shock.
"Is yours a raisin, too?" she demanded angrily.
"No," replied the old man, "but it is a quiverin'!"
Reaching work, her manager asked her to immediately climb up the ladder and grab some raisin bread off the top shelf. Reaching up to get it, she immediately felt a draft on her thighs and cursed herself for not wearing a longer skirt.
Upon reaching the bottom of the ladder, another customer immediately asked for raisin bread. And another. . .and another, until there was a small crowd of men watching her with excitement as she climbed up and down the ladder. As she reached the top of the ladder for what must have been the twentieth time, she heard the tinkle of the door opening and looked down to see an old man staring at her privates in shock.
"Is yours a raisin, too?" she demanded angrily.
"No," replied the old man, "but it is a quiverin'!"
THE RECEPTIONIST
An old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," the old man said.
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused a lot of embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with my ear or something like that and discussed the real problem in private with the doctor." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."
With that the old man turned around and walked out. He waited a couple of minutes and then re-entered the waiting room. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," the old man stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing the old man had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!"
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
THE BRIDAL
A redneck couple had just gotten married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" The redneck thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Naw, I guess not. I'll just onto her ears 'til she gets used to it."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" The redneck thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Naw, I guess not. I'll just onto her ears 'til she gets used to it."
A COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a beautiful woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"It is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence," said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the farmer. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but now they are set to lay fertilized eggs."
"That is awesome!" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," said the farmer.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
"It is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence," said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the farmer. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but now they are set to lay fertilized eggs."
"That is awesome!" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," said the farmer.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
A NUN AT HOOTERS
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in awhile the lights would turn off. Each time the lights went out the place would erupt in cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun the room went dead silent. The nun walked up to the bartender and asked. "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "Of course, but I should tell you that there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." The nun said, "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed her to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "No, thank you, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue the lights go out. Now, how about that drink, sister?"
The bartender replied, "Of course, but I should tell you that there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." The nun said, "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed her to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "No, thank you, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue the lights go out. Now, how about that drink, sister?"
WHAT DO YOU GET?
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
TWO CHEATERS
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with one of my 20 year old students. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife that says, "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things that I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20 year old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife that says, "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things that I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20 year old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me."
THE BLONDE & THE TEXAN
A blonde tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
With another little smile to the driver, the blonde again reached behind her to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. Becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt a little more.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind the young woman picked her up easily by her waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figgered we were friends!"
With another little smile to the driver, the blonde again reached behind her to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. Becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt a little more.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind the young woman picked her up easily by her waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figgered we were friends!"
HAND GRENADE
What do a woman and a hand grenade have in common?
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
LORRAINE & CLEARLY
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At her funeral, the man stands up and sings. . .
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
THE FOOT FETISH CLUB
A man belongs to a foot fetish club. His girlfriend knows about his predilection and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they agree that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he mixed up his girlfriend's picture with one of his mother's feet.
He goes back to the club the next day and says, "Guys! I'm afraid we got off on the wrong foot yesterday!"
He goes back to the club the next day and says, "Guys! I'm afraid we got off on the wrong foot yesterday!"
TIGER'S BALLS
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on God's green earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin' Jaysus," says the Irishman. "Them BMW people thinks of everything!"
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on God's green earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin' Jaysus," says the Irishman. "Them BMW people thinks of everything!"
SCOTLAND OR WALES
Three hefty women walk into a restaurant and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they are done ordering, he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The man replied, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!"
The man replied, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"
TWO ELDERLY SMOKERS
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea, so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms for herself. When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the young cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her rather disgustedly and asks her what kind she wants.
She replies, "Honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as they fit a camel."
She replies, "Honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as they fit a camel."
Monday, May 18, 2015
ON A DEER ROLL
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One deer turns to the other and says, "Man! I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!"
THE DEER HUNTER
Two hunters are walking through the forest. One hunter says to the other, "DUCK! THERE'S A DEER BEHIND YOU!" The other hunter, however, does not duck and is subsequently shot. He falls to the ground and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1. Before the operator can say anything, the man screams, "HELP! HELP! I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!" The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually is dead." Another gunshot rings through the forest.
The hunter then asks, "What should I do now?"
The hunter then asks, "What should I do now?"
A NEW BRA
A scientist wanted to develop a bra that stops women's boobs from bouncing while running and doesn't show nipples when wet.
DON'T PANIC! We killed the son of a bitch!
DON'T PANIC! We killed the son of a bitch!
IF YOU ARE SLEEPING
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, texted her back, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
The husband, typically non-romantic, texted her back, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
COUPLE OF SHORT ONES
Q: How many ears does Spock have?
A: Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A kamikaze pilot professor tells his students, "Pay attention! I'm only going to do this once!"
A: Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A kamikaze pilot professor tells his students, "Pay attention! I'm only going to do this once!"
PRESS ONE
A guy wakes up from a coma in the hospital. His doctor asks him what he remembers. "All I remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had the most beautiful cleavage and I couldn't stop staring at it. Then she looked at me and told me, "Could you please press one?"
BILLY BOB'S BARN
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the doors, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, Billy Bob rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doin', Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers outa me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me and the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doin', Billy Bob?" "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers outa me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Me and the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
DESERTED ISLAND
This guy is stranded on a deserted island with only his dog and a goat for companionship. Days pass. . .then weeks. . .then months. . .then years with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex. So he looks around and sees the goat and comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her just right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hillside where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears a woman screaming for help so he swims out to rescue her and the woman is grateful. Thanking him for saving her life, she says, "I'll do anything to repay you." He replies, "Anything?" "Yes, anything," she answers.
So he asks, "Great! Can you take the dog for a walk for about 45 minutes?"
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hillside where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears a woman screaming for help so he swims out to rescue her and the woman is grateful. Thanking him for saving her life, she says, "I'll do anything to repay you." He replies, "Anything?" "Yes, anything," she answers.
So he asks, "Great! Can you take the dog for a walk for about 45 minutes?"
JANE MEETS TARZAN
When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle for the first time, she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex", he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Jane was horrified and said, "Tarzan, you've got it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Jane was horrified and said, "Tarzan, you've got it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
He replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
JOKES FROM THE NUDIST COLONY
Q: How can you tell a blind guy at a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q: How you tell the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Someone drilled a hole in the fence at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
A: It's not hard.
Q: How can you tell the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q: How you tell the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.
Someone drilled a hole in the fence at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.
MONKS OPEN A FLOWER SHOP
An order of monks needed to raise some money, so they figured the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers. Now these monks sold their flowers really cheap. Everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all of their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded together to figure out how to remove the monks from the flower business. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best knee-capper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastery.
Cowed, the monks caved in to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded together to figure out how to remove the monks from the flower business. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best knee-capper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastery.
Cowed, the monks caved in to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
THE YOUNG PREACHER
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late he saw a backhoe and the crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but he still poured out his heart in an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to the other worker, "I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years now and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sorta gives new meaning to the term, "Holy Shit, don't it?"
WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH THAT?
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees a neighbor kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and walks on by.
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
That evening at sunset, the boy walks by the old man's house, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." Whatcha gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.
The next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a branch with him. "Hey, boy! Whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up!" says the old man. "I'll go get my hat!"
THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop "n Serve" and "Pop 'N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy will be buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozen of celebrities are expected to turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The gravesite is expected to be piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at time, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughbot is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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